Monday, February 04, 2013
I suddenly had this urge to eat but I just ate an hour ago. So I stopped and thought, what is going on? Oh, I had a stressful conversation with a client who insists on making very simple things incredibly difficult. I thought last month she was going to stop using me but she didn't. I'm honestly not smart enough to do this job and that bothers me. I hate to admit my short comings. I should be able to do this job. I should be able to learn the things I don't know, but I haven't succeeded and thus, feel stupid and inadequate. These feelings trigger the desire for comfort and I've nowhere to get that-except food.
But today, I am saying no (I hope). Part of the reason this bothers me is it again narrows my work options. I am unskilled labor except I'm short, old and fat which removes jobs that involve physical labor. It's depressing.
I did get on my treadmill and did my 45 minutes. While I was hesitant to start and kept wishing to quit, once I got done, I felt great. I was happy and actually enjoyed the exercise. Or more honestly, enjoyed the fact that I accomplished something. Seems silly but I've not accomplished anything for a long, long time.
I weighed myself this morning and am very unhappy at the 193 pounds it read. My clothes are too tight and I hate this. (I'm only 5ft 1 so that's morbidly obese) I've logged my food so far today as well. I iced my foot after I walked and am trying to sit less today. Did some hand weights as well.
I need to keep working on my health plan but I need to work on myself as well. I need to find something useful to do and something with income would be nice. Office work, sadly, isn't it. Home health care isn't it. I wish I knew what "it" was.
I'm rather bummed. No feeding the anxiety monster, though. Must find a way to either not need the comfort or to get it elsewhere-probably the fist one.