I received a very thoughtful Sparkmail from a friend who was wondering about me since she hasn't heard anything from me in a few days. How nice is that?! I can't escape the friends and motivation of Spark - I would not want to either!!
I am still having minor road bumps with consistency (change is good and not perfect) with some feelings, but overall very happy and progressing. I am claiming to be 'fine':
As a matter of fact, I am feeling very motivated once again and really trying to understand why I do and not do things. Seems like I have revealed many things to myself but I am not listening 100% nor taking consistent action. This has to change in order for momentum to take hold once again. I know, I am progressing and still expect a lot from myself - I am working on that.
This blog will be mostly about enlightenments (as I call them) during the past many weeks about myself and my behaviors. If this helps you in any way, please let me know. I know that behavior of any type or magnitude can be somewhat paralyzing and can be difficult to unravel and understand. Although we only use a small percentage of our brains, that %age is very strong indeed.
My behavior has been (over the past 20 or so years) sporadic, disjointed and inconsistent, that it's no wonder I am this big and unhappy. For example, every time I sit down to do research on say healthy foods, one thing leads to another and soon enough I am on a website about the latest exercise gadget and far away from my initial thoughts. Messy for sure. I am looking to straighten out my thoughts in a more consistent pattern, but I am also finding that I have to be in a particular zone to do this. In other words, I have to actually be mindful of everything I am doing unless I fall into my old habitual (habitchual!) behavior.
The good thing is that when I engage in mindful observation, I clearly see and understand my thoughts. I am in the NOW and the moment and can walk away from boxes of cookies and only have one (like I did today). Other days, my UNMINDFUL thinking lets me engage in whatever behavior I feel like and I justify to myself that I'll get back on track 'tomorrow' - did you see how I used the words 'lets me' as if I have no control? This proves that I don't even see myself as being in control. I successfully have been convincing myself (and know all too well that this is false), that the fast food or candy is OK, because there is always tomorrow to be good. An endless cycle of falsities to myself.
Ultimately, this is a consistent thought process and thereby sabotages my healthy eating and exercise. I tell myself that the cookies are F I N E and I can recover easily. What is this type of behavior? I have realized that these are lies to myself and that I must be mindful every day.
For February and beyond, I am trying to instill new methods to think and be observant. I hope I can be consistent, slowly. I know already that changes are happening. I have a HR Monitor that I use religiously, I track food and exercise which I've never done and I am happy (yes, really) at the progress I've made about being kind to myself first. It really matters. The bad thoughts are being cancelled as soon as they become evident in my thoughts.
Here are my top 10 short visuals to keep me on path. I bet you can guess how they're related to what I hope to do.
This is vital before any love can be spread outward. Acceptance of all flaws and traits is obligatory and wonderful.
Perhaps my perceived grumpiness and sadness is due to a core lack of respect. I cannot wait 'until' the weight comes off, the weight will come off once the respect is here - Now is the time.
Children interact with kindness and love for one another and themselves. Go back, analyze and become that child, that boy who embraced challenge and change. Do it NOW... It's OK to be afraid at first, but I will soon see that the fear is just my adult personality creeping in and whispering ego and conditional thoughts from my experiences throughout the years.
Vow to own all choices - after all who made them?
Smile like this wonderful dog - people live longer and happier with a lighter heart.
Help and believe in karma - if you don't believe in karma, help first and then you will just have to wonder why after helping, good things are coming your way...
Where am I going and is the current path, the most peaceful and express lane to my goals?
Enjoy the path, the way, the experience. Don't rush the process; learn, develop, modify, repeat. Respect relativity and understand that although many years seem like months or weeks, the current journey is in the present and the unknown is here for the taking. Take the NOW and enjoy.
A strange math equation, but read it until you get it; it really is quite simple and wonderful.
'B(CHANGE)' = '2B(CHANGED)' = 'C(CHANGE)'
Nothing, nobody, no animal, no place, NOTHING is a panacea. PROGRESS is to be admired, put on a pedestal and to be loved with a loving heart and an innocent understanding that although tomorrow is not here, I can certainly love the progress I've made regardless of the (perceived) size of it. This is the core value of the Spark program and I love it and I love myself DAMN IT!!! Oh, and the past cannot be changed AT ALL. PERIOD, so....head this warning:
Friendship and thoughts to you all. Thank you for reading as this was a huge and wonderful exercise for me today. Pass the feelings to all; especially to somebody who needs them more than you.