Monday, February 04, 2013
today is monday which, if you've ready any of my previous posts, you would know that i hate mondays. monday is the first day of classes for the week, the "back to reality" day, and the day that paul leaves me to go home for the week to work. usually monday sucks but today it sucks pretty hard. the past two weeks have been kind of hard for paul because the people at his job are trying to get him to quit by nit picking his work. he has been at his job since the company opened, and has been the recipient of many awards for his good work. the problem is, he's a part of a union and he's been there so long that they're paying him more. it's a high school graduate level job, because college didn't work out so well for him, so i think they want to get him out and get a new guy in that they can pay less. it's really stressful for me because it hurts to see him going through something tough. i think he was feeling a little better being here with me this weekend but now he's got to go back and face the real world. i kind of wish i could face it for him.
moving on, this past week was just atrocious for my diet. i was consistently over my calories and under my protein all week long. somehow, by the grace of GOD i managed to lose a pound. i know that eating well makes me feel better in multiple ways, but my brain is like "no, you're sad, eat some cake." yes, i know everyone goes through these kinds of mental games with themselves, but i haven't found a good method for fighting cravings and emotional eating yet. i keep trying but i just feel like i fail all the time.
my friends and i are going to ocean city maryland in july and i'm SO excited about it because we're all over the country and it will be so much fun to be with them, like always. however, last night they were all like "omg i have to lose weight! i need to fit in my skinny bathing suit" and it just makes me feel an awful lot like i did when i was dealing with eating problems. i just wanted to go throw up everything and stop eating for weeks and weeks. the thought of having to get into a bathing suit with other people and on a public beach where i can be subjected to stare after stare after stare makes me sick. so, now i'm kind of dreading the beach. and on top of all of that, i'm stuck in a mental space that is all too familiar, but all too scary as well. so, my anxiety is at its peak today and i'm not really sure what to do about it.
tonight starts my first full week of classes for the spring semester of my first year of graduate school. i'm excited about the semester starting in a way, but i'm also just feeling like i just don't want to do anything but go home and lay in bed with my cats and watch the office on netflix. i want to hide from everything that's stressful.
so i guess i'm just feeling anxious because i know i have to put on a brave face and face the world which expects a lot of me. or maybe i expect a lot of me. i don't know. i'm afraid, i'm sad, i'm scared, and i just don't feel like doing anything today. some days it's just really hard to do everything you have to do.
well i hope if you're still reading, that you have a great day.