Never go grocery shopping the day before the Superbowl. I hate going grocery shopping as it is and it was desperately needed so I really didn't have an option. But, never again. The plaza where one of our grocery stores is was a crazy zoo and inside the grocery store wasn't much better. Everything picked over, nothing left but an overabundance of Superbowl chips and dip. There was produce on the floor, people fighting through aisles etc. And since it was so crowded I could blatantly see people picking up produce and putting it back, and being the germaphobe that I am, that really skeeves me out. I know it happens, but when I actually see it, yuck. So yeah, the whole experience was basically my worst nightmare.

But the trip itself was good food-wise, I tried to do a general meal plan before hand, made my way around the outer grocery store getting all my produce/freggies, lean meats, and greek yogurts. Yes, I ended up putting 30 yogurts in my cart (on sale, 10/$10 and we each eat one a day...so we'll go through them). I did however buy some not so great Superbowl food (I mean, it's expected and practically considered another holiday) so I bought boneless white meat chicken tenders (Buffalo and Bourbon flavored) and tortilla chips and salsa.

In other news, I'm in a complete funk, again. Off the wagon, feeling like a failure, again. ugggh.

January was a complete split. After New Years I had a solid 2 straight weeks of staying on track, I lost the weight I gained over the holidays and I was feeling good. Then somewhere along the line I got tired of being so good. The last two weeks of January into the first week of February were crap, I only worked out 11 out of the 21 days. I should have done at LEAST 15. And my eating habits were terrible, filled with binges and no dinner planning. Last week was a terrible work week, I worked long hours most days (and I already work 9.5 hour days) so I was too exhausted to exercise. I was afraid to weigh myself over these last few weeks, but when I did I was up about a pound, but still within my ideal range and still 10 pounds down from where I was. Then I weighed myself again after the hellish last week and I was up 4 pounds in a single week! I blamed it on one of my salty binges and sure enough a few days later I was down again. But I want to still be losing, not fluctuating and struggling just to maintain.

I slipped into all the excuses and downward spiral mentality...well this week I'm stressed, I'll eat what I want, I'm too tired to work out, I know I can regain control so I might as well "have at it" this week...giving in to the things I normally don't (e.g. a muffin with my coffee, not packing my own lunches and going out, etc. etc.) Then this all frustrated me more because I felt like I was on the D word, a DIET and as most of us know, to succeed you need to make healthy habits a way of life, and that diets are "bad."

So then I got to thinking how do I get out of feeling like I'm on a diet? Is it the tedious tracking? Is it adhering to my 5-6 days a week workout plan? Do I still have an unhealthy attitude toward food? (yes...otherwise I wouldn't so easily be able to say screw it! I'm getting candy after eating Mexican, justifying it by the fact that I was craving it and I was on a "break" because I already had a bad day/week) Would not tracking but still being diligent help me? As in, am I capable of losing weight w/out being so strict on Spark and using it as a safety blanket? I honestly don't think I'm ready to try. I've seen it time and time again with myself that if I can't track something (I don't know the calories, etc.) then I think I've already messed up everything for the day so it doesn't matter any more. I have it on my own SparkPage but I need to live up to it and I am sooo tired of failing at it "If you're tired of starting over, don't give up!" if only it were that easy

Then, I'm feeling down because I pretty much failed all my New Years resolutions. so expected :(
I have broken:
*never go 2 days without some form of exercise
*stick with my HRM training program
*no alcohol
*write in my journal once a month
*ease up with my bf (about wedding stuff etc. okay kind of hard to do when THREE of your friends get engaged in one weekend and its like shoving it in my face/his face that we are not there yet)

Resolutions I've been okay about:
*Losing the holiday weight and maintaining - but now I have a lower goal
*reducing my artificial sugars (hard because its not really a specific goal with an end accomplishment)
*working out longer on days I work from home (no commute = more time to workout. I don't think I've adhered to this every day I've worked from home, but I would say most)
*attend 1 Meetup per month. I went to one in January and I have ones planned for Feb
*Start saving regularly--well I haven't gone on any shopping sprees that didnt involve the gift cards I got from Christmas

Anyways, if you made it through all of this I applaud you. All I can do is keep. moving. forward. And any advice on finding balance and not feeling like I'm on a diet would be greatly appreciated! Let's make this a great week/month!