To say this past year has been difficult is an understatement. There are so many moving pieces in my life right now and I guess that is difficult for me, in and of itself. I am usually the one who is stable, knows what she wants and has direction.
As of late...I feel very unstable financially, my job is also unstable which is causing the financial instability, I don't know what I want and I feel for the first time in my life... I don't have any direction. It's a very odd place for a stubborn Taurus like me to be.
As many of you know, I have been struggling to find a job. I have been getting interviews, and they have been going well. I get positive comments, but there is always another candidate with either more years experience than me or they have been doing a particular job for a longer period than me. I'm in L.A. and yes, the job market is doing better, but it is still saturated. I am not able to compete with people 10+ years my senior, when it comes to experience. I lose every single time. I am trying to stay positive and tell myself, it wasn't meant to be.
I think the most problematic thing right now is that the company I work for is unstable. They made some poor financial decisions, and now they are having trouble (again) making payroll. This is affecting me tremendously. I don't know what I make at the end of each month (commission only) and I don't get my paychecks on time. It is wrecking havoc on my bills and causing me stress. I think the emotion I have been trying to stuff down though, is anger. I work for family and it makes everything more complicated and more frustrating. I also think I don't want to say that I am "angry." Anger is a negative emotional and I think I also view it as "mean." I don't want to be mean...but I do need to stick up for myself, realize my worth as an employee and stop just accepting this way of life. It doesn't have to be this way. I can change that.
On another note...I was bit by a spider or something. Last Tuesday, my pointer finger on my left hand went numb. Just the finger tip, it felt like it was asleep. I thought I slept weird or something. Then on Wednesday or Thursday, I noticed I have bite marks on my elbow of the same arm. It looks like two mosquito bites and two spider bites. I went to the CVS clinic and they couldn't help (legally). They referred me to a neurologist because of the numbness, same thing with the pharmacist. So, I bought Benadryl and had that all weekend, I was so sleepy and groggy! But, my fingertips feel like they are starting to wake up. The bites are still there, not as red and they don't itch. But the nurse freaked me out when she said I needed to see a neurologist. I think I might have been allergic to the venom...If it doesn't go away this week, I will make a doctors appt.
One thing I can say I have done about the stress is going to the gym. Last week, I went 6 days out of the week. I did have one bad eating day, which is improving. Yesterday was a bit trying too...I think it all hit me at once. I ate Doritos, but I bought Salsa Verde because they are not my favorite. It did keep me from eating the whole bag, in fact I threw half the bag in the trash. Which, on the other hand I am kicking myself because I didn't have the money to buy them anyways! But, I tracked it too, so I know I will need to kick up my exercise this week.
Yes, my thinking is scattered right now. Can you tell? Anyways, I need to find a job pretty quickly. I have been asking everyone I know. I friend of mine thinks he will be able to help me find something great. However, it will be in San Francisco. I will be away from my family, which will be difficult. But, I emailed him yesterday and said if there is a great opportunity offered, I would consider moving.
Just the thought scared me to death. Who knows? It might be the best thing I can do for myself right now. The girl who is ridiculously afraid of earthquakes may be moving to EQ central!