Monday, February 04, 2013
I have played the blame game about my weight issues. I have played the shame game about my weight issues. I have cried at the Heavens and cursed against Hell. Always with confusion, hurt, and wondering why. The thousand questions asking why I am so overweight. Lately though, the questions have changed. In moments of quiet I hear a soft voice asking the important questions. The REASON questions. Why, indeed, am I overweight? I am great at losing it! I have been fit before! I have run a marathon before! I have willpower! Determination! I have been beautiful! I have been loved! I have been happy! What are the reasons then, that I am not physically fit? It is not a measure of who I am. If physical health were awarded to the nice people just for being peachy, then I would not be 100 pounds overweight. The real reasons I believe I am overweight are valid. When I was thin, people took advantage of me. The first time I was a healthy weight, it felt amazing. It felt amazing until people started taking advantage of me. In response to not feeling safe, I gained some weight. You see, you can be invisible beneath an extra 50 pounds. 75 pounds. 90 pounds. 6 or 7 years later, I had labeled those memories as false, and shed most of those gained pounds. a mere 5 pounds from being in the "healthy" category, the pattern began again. I cut it short. In response to the negative attention, I covered myself in a big fluffy layer of protection. And here I sit, 100 pounds hidden. I have faced the reasons. And I am now ready. Stronger, and not a victim. It wasn't me who caused the pain, but I didn't know how to deal with it. I do now. I am no longer someone who can be pushed around. I am ready to stop punishing myself because other people were the bad guys. They aren't suffering over it, and it seems silly that I should pay the price with my health. And that is the REASON that I know I will succeed. The reason that I am ready once and for all to shed the layer that never was protection. I know now there are too many GOOD reasons to leave it all behind. And that's reason enough for me.