OK, there are a few things I've been wanting to blog about for a long time, but I keep getting sidetracked! I swear, every time I sit in front of the keyboard, I have no idea what is going to end up on my blog by the time I'm finished. It is an adventure for everyone!
So before I forget, quick notes:
That awful thing that happened to me at the Offspring concert a few years ago-
-why it doesn't bother me anymore-
-and some NSVs!
So a quick recap of food: I'm hovering in ranges pretty well. I had that bad pizza day followed by an ok day followed by a bad pizza day, but then I've had good days, so yay! Tonight for dinner, I had two grilled vegetable skewers with mushrooms, bell pepper, onion, and zucchini/ yellow squash. I drizzled a little olive oil and salt on them before they hit the grill, and they were awesome. I had a steak skewer with it, and it was a lot of food for not a lot of calories.
Seriously, if you have a grill? Kebabs. Lots of kebabs. There are some "skewers" as a local fancy kitchen place that I am seriously considering buying. They are flexible rings of metal rope or something wacky like that. They seem like the perfect way to keep your veggies from sliding off the ends of the sticks as they lose water when cooking.
ANYWAY.. look! I'm already getting off track! WTF. How does this happen? Talk to me in person, and you'll see. It happens then, too. We'll be talking about.. I don't know. Cats. And somehow, I'll end up telling you the evolutionary history of women's menstral cycles or something else complety wacky. And I SWEAR it's somehow all related, yo!
SO BACK TO WHATEVER IT WAS.
Ok, so a few years ago, I went to see The Offspring play in Dallas with The Husband and WeightLossBestFreind. I don't know what to call her. She's not Workout Partner. She's the one that's lost a crapton of weight doing Medifast who is going convention crazy and I'm also worried about her body image- best freind. MediFreind? I don't know.. anyway..
Concert was great. Alkaline Trio opened for them. I'd heard they has psycho fans, and that they were one of the original emo bands or something crazy like that, but I ended up liking them. They have a REALLY kickass drummer now. Like.. amazing.
After the show, I decided to get a T-shirt for the husband. I saw a really cute design in the women's sizes, and I figured I'd pick up an XL for myself. I got to the front of the line and started asking about the shirts, and Mr. Shirt Guy just looks me up and down and says, "I don't think any of these will fit you." Just flat out, unappologetically. It was blunt and awful. I was pretty certain an XL WOULD fit, but he didn't want to sell to me. I quickly mumbled something to the effect of, "It's not for me, it's for my neice, but let me look at this Men's XL anyway."
Lies. I have no neice! (I am the oldest child out of 3 who all do not want children)
And WTF Mr. Man, I was totally wearing a corset top! I was trying to feel cool!
It was crushing really. I felt like I was being told that I wasn't good enough to wear regular women's clothing. It always starts that way, doesn't it? Internalizing things, spreading the blame around. The T-shirt is a physical object. It doesn't judge. It merely contains or does not contain a certain volume of human being. Any size clothing is like that. Currently, I contain too high a volume of human to be comfortably contained in size Medium anything :P It's not something I am upset about, though. It's a fact. It doesn't make me any more or less worthy of women's clothing. It's matter of perception, but it's a really important and harming distinction.
It doesn't really bother me now, though. I mean, you can get over a lot of stuff once you decide for yourself that most people are jerks, but that's neither here nor there.
There's something very empowering knowing that you can and ARE doing something to change your situation. I know that seems pretty redundant, but it's hard for me to explain. When you aren't doing anything, it's easier to play the victim. Bad things are happening to me. I feel bad. I must be an awful person and deserve to feel bad. There's nothing I can do about it.
These kind of thoughts kept me unhappy to the point of regular bouts of depression. They also made it harder for me to break out of the cycle and do something about it. When you feel like everything is happening TO you, it's so much easier to wallow in self pity and not do anything about it.
When I finally decided it was time to do something about it, everything suddenly started to seem..hmm. Not that things were happening TO me. Just that things were happening, and I had a choice in how to respond to them, you know? And it did.. it felt incredibly empowering.
I still struggle with the way I choose to respond to situations. And really, I'm namely talking about the way I respond to hunger cues and food situations.. those still give me quite a challenge. But just feeling like I have a handle on things makes everything seem less hopeless. I don't feel like a victim anymore, and I've decidedly stopped giving a sh*t about what other people say about me or my weight. What they say about me doesn't matter, and it's not because what I've done over the past year. (ALMOST -70. SO CLOSE. GRRR)
It's more about knowing what I have power over and what I do not. Knowing that if someone makes fun of my weight now, they can just go take a flying F through a donut, because I'm in charge of my body, and I know what's going on with it right now. If it's too big for some random stranger.. well hey. I could say, "come back in a month, and see it change." But you know what? I dont' care if they do or not. There was a time when I'd desperately try to get people to like me, and I'd pander to someone saying, "oh, but I'm changing!"
Now I just don't care :P I'm doing my own thing, thanks! I wasn't put on this earth to impress you, Mr./Mrs. Stranger, so I will continue to go do my thing over here, and you can go do your thing over there, and ne'er the twain shall meet!
Sometimes I wonder if it's a fragile resolve. I'm afraid it will be tested and I'll crash hard. But you know.. I've had more confidence lately. And frankly, if anyone has said something that would have upset me last year, I didn't even notice it. lol And definately.. how I react would be different today.
So that being said.. NSVs!
Montly measurements aren't changing much.. weight isn't changing as fast as I'd like it, but I think everything is moving around.
~ I'm going to have to retire another pair of stretchy lounge pants soon. I used to be so excited to be home so I could get rid of my uncomfortable jeans and get into some stretch pants. Now I'm trying to tuck my stretch pants into my bra to keep them up. lol
~Related, but I noticed for the first time in like.. DECADES that I wasn't totally uncomforable in jeans. I lounged around the house for a few hours after coming home from the store, and realized I was still in my jeans, and I was OK. I didn't have to go running for the stretch pants. WUT WUT WUT
~In a totally non-pervy way, I am enoying touching myself. More. Lol. When I'm lying in bed, I can feel hip bones, and the slope of my stomach. The POOCH has gotten smaller. It tucks into my underwear. I am taking this as a sign that my underwear must be too large, because something is wrong with the world when my tummy looks like an airbrushed Lane Bryant model's. I used to have to carefully position underwear band UNDER pooch, then workout shorts OVER pooch, and then shirt over that for maximum comfort on the bike. Now I just make sure my shirt is tucked under my sports bra for maxium sweat soakage. :X
I totally had some other NSV's I'd thought of over the past week or so, but I forgot them already. Whoops! I'm still kind of freaked out that my wedding ring is being re-sized to a 5 1/2. I mean seriously, WTF. Never been smaller than a 7 in ring sizes. It still weirds me the hell out.
I am still happily wearing my Women's 2X shirts from Threadless, but they hang quite low now. It sad realizing your boobs are melting away. And I think my butt is dissappearing. I am happy and sad at the same time. It has the most perfect round shape before! Now, I'm not sure what shape it has. It's kind of a shapeless lump. But it's a smaller lump, so that's good. It is acceptable for it to continue to go in that direction, because a smaller shapeless lump will hopefully lead to smaller thighs. Smaller thighs= smaller pants! Really, my thighs dictate my pants size, not my waist. The waist is always smaller. I am thankful for that, at any rate.
I may not be fully in love with ALL my lumps, but I am in love with my body shape. Workout Partner is lighter than me, but she doesn't think she looks it, because she has a different body shape. I keep telling her that it's because she doesn't know how to dress herself :P We go shopping sometimes, and I pick out things I think will flatter her. She hates them all. lol. I remember one time, I found a really fantastic button down with some good waist definition, and she complained that she could feel the fabric against her skin, therefore it was too tight. She hates her tummy, and I'm like "duh, if you don't like that part, you dont' wear midriff-bearing clothing. You also don't wear a sack!" Everyone needs a good, defined waistline, yo! And it's ok to wear shoulderpads :x IN MODERATION. MODERATION!
The 80's got kind of carried away there.
But it's really all about faking a fabulous silhouette! I am flattered that she thinks I look fabulous all the time, but she never seems to believe me when I tell her I'm just faking it all with strategically placed undergarments :P And really? I KNOW she's seen more What Not To Wear than I have! lol
Anyway, this has somehow gotten way off track again. So far, that I seriously don't remember what was going on previously, so I'm going to stop for the night before I get into religion, politics, or Twilight. All very volitile topics. (We hates the Twilight, precious! Awful reinforcement of negative female roles it is!)
Goodnight! And goodmorning to you early Mon people! I won't be blogging Mon, most likely, because my schedule will be all wacky. I have to skip the morning workout to get to the dentist by 9AM, so I'll have to exercise after lunch. We actually skipped our 6month cleaning 6 months ago, so I'm certain our dentist & hygenist will be totally shocked after not seeing me for a year. lol. I look forward to it!
Token cute cat picture! It's Nugget!
Edit!: I wish I had taken photos... :( But it didn't occur to me until after I ate them all. :X SIMONEKP's blog about superbowl food reminded me about this awesome thing I did to chicken for lunch. Yes. I did it. To chicken.
Anyway, I took some chicken tenders and cut the tendons out. I usually just slice along one side, then the other, and then remove about 1-2 inches. Anything deeper is small enough that it doesn't get int he way. Then, I sliced up some swiss laughing cow cheese wedges into about 4 peices. I folded a tender around each peice, and it made a little chicken-shaped ball. I glued it all together by wrapping it in 1/2 a slice of thick-cut bacon, and then I grilled the heck out of it. It was awesome.
I honestly wasn't sure how it would turn out, because those laughing cow cheese wedges are some low-fat bastardization of cream cheese, and I really wasn't sure what it would do on the grill. Some of it did melt out, but most of it got kind of chunky and stayed put. IT TASTED AWESOME.
And really.. my calorie counter says a serving of thick-sliced bacon= 2 slices= 90 calories. So really, one slice of bacon=45 cal= ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD TO CHICKEN, so it's worth it. I was able to afford to slather some BBQ sauce on it and gurgle in pleasure as I gorged myself on two peices. (It's tough to weigh after it's cooked, so I weigh before hand even though I know the chicken will be lighter after cooking.. but depending on your tenders, you can get somewhere between 3-6oz for two peices) We partnered that with 1/2 cup (110 cal) of 4 cheese instant mashed potatoes, and it was a great lunch!
The Husband was not interested in vegetables, but I had 1 cup of steamed brussels sprouts with this. It was a ton of food for not too many calories, provided I could control myself with the BBQ sauce (family recipie, scratch made) and butter on the brussels. I have been sprinking a little bit of lemon juice inside the steamer bag and sprinkling a little salt on them when they come out, and it's cut down on my butter consumption by like 75% :P