Sunday, February 03, 2013
Things are looking up and stressing me out. Is that possible? To have the same things that are improving in some areas getting worse in others? I think that's what's going on right now. I'm extremely grateful for the things that are going well, because without those I would be going absolutely insane.
I've had so much work to do that my pain level has skyrocketed this week, which is making everything seem far worse than it actually is I'm sure. I have to work a double at 1 of the 3 jobs I'm working tomorrow, so I'm seriously hoping that I can handle it since it's working with infants and to function I need serious drugs right now. I hope things look better in the morning. The upside is that these are particularly cute and pleasant babies with whom I've bonded and I get along with the person I'll be teaching with so it's actually not a bad thing, just causes worry since it is a physical job and I'm having trouble with that right now. But I want to enjoy it since I may have to quit if my sister's caregiver doesn't get her act together. Without a caregiver, I have to be home with my sister instead of working so I'm trying really hard to enjoy the babies while I have them.
I've been going with the flow and compartmentalizing just to get through the days, but that's catching up with me. Now I'm trying denial. If I don't think about it, it can't be happening. Most of the time it works. It lets me get through the day. I'm not ignoring things, I'm solving them as I can, but when I can't figure out the problem I pretend like it doesn't exist until I have time to deal with it again. This is not a good long term plan, but for now it's keeping me sane. So far I've learned how to repair dry wall tape, attach a plow to a Polaris Ranger and then use it to plow, tape off and paint a room, take off a door knob and put a new locking door knob on (changing the locks!), put together and take apart a vacuum and clean out the dryer vent through the wall. I'm learning to do a lot of things that I used to be scared of. I'm excited about that, but also nervous. What if I break something while I'm learning these things? I was petrified while doing the plow since it was dark out, my sister was wrapped up and waiting in the Ranger, my dogs were running around like crazy beings enjoying the first snow and my mom was crying because we'd never had to do this before. It took almost an hour to get the plow working, but I managed. Now I've plowed 5 times and am getting pretty good at it actually. Next I have to figure out the lawn mower since it's been rigged in more ways than I know about. Thankfully I have a few months until I have to face the lawn mower.