And the Walls Came Crashing Down.....
Sunday, February 03, 2013
There is no such thing as perfection.
There, I said it!
I spent January pushing myself to be perfect with my goals. I wanted to reach them 100%. I had a wonderful month and hit my my goals every single day pushing myself to get my exercise done even when I was sick as a dog. When February 1st rolled around, I was proud to recap the month even if I still needed to tweak my eating habits a bit. I posted on my blog, tooting my own horn for all the world to see.
It's amazing how quickly my day changed. How quickly that 100% consistency track went into the toilet.
Life threw me a bad day. A very bad day. By the time I got out of work, my thoughts were off track. My hopes and dreams for myself became an inward battle. I doubted my worth. I doubted that I deserved to be good to myself. I was in a downward spiral into depression. It's not my first time on the depression merry-go-round; but, I've managed to hold it at bay for almost a year now. There's alot going on in my life. A job I hate. A disabled husband. Severe money issues that plague me every day. On Friday, all of this anger and bottled up emotions bubbled over the surface.
As usual, when this happens I turned against myself. I channeled all of that depression and anger inward. I hated myself. I still do. I look in the mirror and don't like what I see. I see a failure. I see someone who is not worthy enough to be loved by the family I keep failing in my attempts to stay above water. I'm drowing in debt. I'm overwhelmed. I feel hopeless. I see a very imperfect and flawed person.
I have not exercised or logged my food since Friday. Again, I'm a failure. I blew my exercise streak. I haven't even eaten anything since lunch on Friday. The internal battle is intense. Why bother working towards my February goals now when I've already failed at them? I need to find a way to get out of this depression. I've agreed to go see someone and get back on anti-depressants. It's a step in the right direction. And, now, I'm going to re-work my Spark goals for February. I can't keep looking at the goals I've already failed. It just makes me even more sad.
These were my goals for February:
Exercise every day
Complete month 2 of Insanity
Eat Healthy 80% of the time
Lose 5 lbs by end of month
100 Squats every day
Learn to scale the wall at the indoor climbing gym
These are my new goals for February:
Seek help for my depression and get back on meds
Continue into month 2 of Insanity beginning today.
Log at least 15 minutes of exercise every day
Eat every day...no skipping meals
So, I've scaled the back my lofty goals to little baby steps in an effort to get myself back on track. Most important of the goals will be to deal with this depression. Exercising every day will be part of the plan to help with that as well as getting help and medications in place. I still feel like a SparkPeople failure; but, I am going to try to keep looking ahead and not dwell on what I have not accomplished. I will spend a few minutes each day looking at my successes no matter how small and try to keep building on them. And, ABOVE ALL...I will remeber that I am NOT perfect! I CANNOT be perfect! And, I WILL make mistakes!