Saturday, February 02, 2013
"Should I give up.. or should I just keep on chasing pavements even if it leads nowhere..." ~ Adele
I love Adele. She's the Joni Mitchell of my generation. There is a scene in the movie Love Actually where Emma Thompson's character is talking to her husband, and she says to him, "Joni Mitchell taught your cold English wife how to feel." That's sort of how I feel about much of Adele's music. Only instead of teaching me how to feel .. she gives voice to what I am feeling, in ways I don't know how to voice exactly myself.
I have been feeling like giving up lately. I haven't worked out in a week. I've eaten terribly, and gained a few pounds as a result. I wish I understood what prompted this particular "going off the wagon" moment for me, but I haven't got an excuse really. I've been stressed out about things at work and worried about what will happen once my mom's boyfriend gets out of jail. I haven't been sleeping well (only 5-6 hours a night) and so I am sure all those things are contributing to how I feel, but they don't excuse it.
The simplest way to explain it, is that I have been feeling frustrated. Frustrated with the scale, frustrated with getting sick, frustrated with my mom, frustrated with my best friend, frustrated with myself, frustrated with life, period. When you're working really hard and not getting results, it doesn't seem fair. When people get fired at work, whom were good at their jobs because the policies are unfair, it's not fair. When my mom makes excuses for her loser boyfriend, and I feel bad for being hard on her about him, when she's being a complete and utter idiot and he's using and abusing her, it's not fair.
I just get so .. angry? frustrated? lonely?
About the only silver lining I've drawn from this experience, is that cheating doesn't make me feel good. When I don't work out, and I eat bad food, sure I enjoy the food while I am eating it, but afterwards I feel terrible. Through all of this anger, all I've really learned is that it doesn't help to be angry at myself or punish myself for things that I can not control.
So much of my life is out of my control, that all I can do is focus on the one area where I do have control. I can control whether I work out, and I can control (at least most of the time) what I am eating.
So ... tomorrow morning, it's time to get back on the wagon, tracking my food, and going for my morning walk.