Saturday, February 02, 2013
Weird, right? But yes! I'm having some anxiety about this.
Yesterday I was pretty down about my recurrent hernia and beginning the process of surgical consultation all over again. But after some prayer and emotional re-grouping, I am trying to rest in the belief that God sees the big picture. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change...." Yep, I've been praying that a lot. I'm instead focusing on things I can change and do.... like eating well, exercising consistently, and.... buying jeans that FIT me!
A couple weeks ago I was SHOCKED that the size 16 jeans fit me. Unfortunately, we didn't have the money to buy them, but I was still thrilled about fitting. But my 18's have been getting looser and looser and are just plain uncomfortable at this point! So back to the mall our family went today.
Lane Bryant has been my "go-to" store for 22 years. When I was too large to fit in anything they carried in-store, I was a faithful catalog shopper (remember when we called to order stuff rather than just doing it with a few clicks of the mouse?). As I lost some of the weight, it was the store I went to and knew that I'd be treated kindly as I looked for clothes that fit me. I know what styles/designs, etc fit me in that store. I'm COMFORTABLE with that store. And frankly... being comfortable can be your enemy when you are trying to change. Why? Because being comfortable lends little motivation to change.
So today I'm in my comfortable little Lane Bryant world, trying on jeans. There's a great jeans sale going on, and so I thought I'd buy the 16's that fit great now, and buy a 14's for later. But in the dressing room, I grabbed the wrong pair. I accidentally tried on the 14's.... and they zipped & closed! Now, don't get me wrong... they weren't pretty, but they went on me. At first, I was ELATED! WooHoo! I can see my body changing right now, although the scale is moving only in spurts.
And then it hit me.... anxiety. Why? Because I already bought the smallest band size bras they carry in my favorite design. And I've been too small for their shirts for months. And now I'm able to close their smallest jeans???? I'm sizing out of my favorite store??? This should bring joy! This should bring elation! And in some ways, it DOES. But it also brings anxiety.
I don't know how to not be a "plus size" girl. I've been in 18+ sizes since I was about 16 years old. I'm going on 39. That's my entire adult life defining myself as such. And beyond the pride in myself (which is there!), and the excitement about shopping in more stores (which is there!), if I'm honest, I have to admit I'm also scared. Because I have to start re-defining myself, and challenging the image of myself I have in my mind.
Some days this journey is just plain weird.