Saturday, February 02, 2013
I don't like crowds. I'm scared of people almost to the point where I'm pretty sure I'm close to anxiety attacks. Trips to the grocery store with a cart load of food and someone who comes in behind me to wait in line freak me out. I'm worried they're judging me, judging my cart load of food and thinking "no wonder she's fat" and I wanna scream "this isn't all for me!! I'm feeding 5 people!!" but I don't.. I just stand there embarrassed of myself.
Yesterday I was informed of an opportunity to share my weight loss story as I struggle through it. It would be through possibly a documentary but also through a magazine. Anyway I won't give out details yet.
This opportunity will require a video diary that i will have to do a minimum of twice a week. Plus a food journal (which is no big deal because I track everything here and it's open for scrutiny) But if I make bad choices or overeat in a day I have to be real with why I did it. It will basically pick a part my life - my life as a child/teenager, to where I started to gain weight and why , to why I kept overeating through all these years - you name it it'll be under a microscope. It might require speeches to large groups of people struggling to lose weight - remember line ups freak me out-.
It could be an amazing opportunity to show women how very real it is but also that I struggled but eventually reached my goal ( I WILL reach my goal this time.. I refuse to back out) but it feels like it would be an immense amount of pressure and I don't like being in a spotlight ever. I'm very shy and I think having to speak in front of people would cause a panic attack. I'm also not comfortable with the idea of video diaries. I don't video blog on here for a reason.
I have a month to decide if this is something I want to do or not and i really just don't know. The whole thing terrifies me.