Saturday, February 02, 2013
Yesterday was a very busy day for me, the first of several for the next week actually. I went to see a good friend of mine who had a couple of job leads for me. I hadn't seen her in almost five years, so it was really nice to catch up too on our lives.
I left feeling so empowered. I realized after leaving how blessed I am to have such people in my life. Even during times when I have let my self-doubt get me down, I have people around me who love me and tell me continuously that I can do anything! With that said, you would think I have no excuse when it comes to anything I want to do in life. However, I know now and realize that my biggest obstacle is ME. I have to believe in ME. I married right after high-school and let my dream of continuing my education go in order to follow my ultimate dream, which was to be a wife and a mother. Even then I let me get in the way of following my dreams. I had all sorts of beliefs in my head.. things like: "You can't afford to go to school," or "You probably couldn't even pass the entrance exams!, and my favorite: "Good wives and mother's don't need an education." These were just SOME of the things I believed. Some of these were my own thoughts, some of these were from my childhood, some from my husband, but I certainly played a part in convincing myself that I couldn't do it. At the age of 46 I got the chance to go back to school as part of a severance package from my job that was outsourced. I remember sitting in my driveway after completing my first week of college and thinking....OMG, I can't do this! I was so overwhelmed, I cried. But, I knew this was the chance of a lifetime to finally prove to myself that I COULD do it. Afterall, I had just did something else I didn't think I could do. I lost 75 lbs leading up to the starting day of school! I had made major positive changes in my life and I was not going to let this opportunity go, not when I had it handed to me. So, for the next 2 years I worked diligently......and graduated with recognition. I had no idea that my decision to return to school would contribute the final blow to my marriage. For the next few years, I can't tell you how many things happened in my life. Personal illness, a doomed and crumbling marriage, the loss of my parent, the birth of a grandchild. All of that happened to bring me to where I am now... and I have to choose, do I let all of that wash over me until I just give up and drown? Or, do I pick up the pieces and start all over again? Well, the one thing I have never been in my life is a quitter. Something in me just will NOT allow it. Am I scared? You bet. Do I still hear the voices, oh yeah! But will I let all of that defeat me? No... I just can't. I have struggled with my weight most of my life. Up and down, yo yo dieting, fad diets, starvation, and none of that worked. I don't think I will ever defeat it. I think for me its much like any other addiction. I have to first admit I have a problem and face it head on. It has to be a major life change with me. I have made those first steps....and I am making progress with ME. I am learning every day that you have to love yourself FIRST. I am proud of my accomplishments in life. And I am thankful for the blessings I have. I have two beautiful children, a lovely grandchild, a wonderful, loving and supportive family. I thank God every day for where he has brought me and I know I can do anything through Him. I will keep fighting ME until I become the best ME I can be.