I dont think of myself as a negative person but then again in my head I dont weigh 215 pounds either. If I dont look in the mirror cannot really be true. If i dont get on the scale I believe that it says 165 which for years I thought was my heaviest weight. 12 years ago I weighed 145. In 12 years so much has happened. The loss of my father, sister and daughter. I have taken comfort in food. For the last 12 years I went a warp speed, maybe hoping the grief would not catch up with me. I became very successful in my career and that seemed to give me some solace. I spent the last 12 years losing 25 or 30 lbs and then I would gain it back. I dont understand the behavior. It frustrates me. Some part of me is not ok with being this heavy but there is another part of me that will not invest myself in the things I know I must do to make this journey successful. I cannot even imagine how much money I have spent looking for a magic solution. When the very logical side of me says "just do it" , exercise, log your food, eat between 1200 and 1500 calories a day and the rest will take care of itself. UGH seems so simple and yet I keep making it so hard.

So there's the problem. What am I going to do it about? A counselor said to me a few weeks ago, treat your weight loss like you treat a problem at work. Interesting thought..If I make a mistake at work and I would not continue to make it, NOPE! I would make the mistake, learn from it, and the put measures in place not to make it again. If those measure did not exactly work to solve the issue I would re-evaluate and make some course corrections.

I need to find a way to really apply that to my journey to become healthy and fit. So maybe just writing down how i feel will make me realize this is a real problem and I have to take measures to solve it. More importantly the weight is now the symptom to something bigger that needs resolve. I tell myself I have gotten through so much but this journey feel like the hardest one I have made. I am not a quitter. I am a fighter in every other aspect of my life. WHY am I not accountable to me????

I have told my teams over and over, keep doing the same things over and over again and expecting a different result is the definition of insanity or in this case GROUND HOG DAY!