Ups and Downs but Clarity
Saturday, February 02, 2013
Since I wrote my last blog I have had some ups and downs for sure but the good news is I have gotten much more clarity.
I had two more hours of driving and I really was able to calm down. I decided to use Quintessa as my example. Every Sunday I get to watch her in swim class learning to swim. In exactly one year she has gone from not being able to swim to the one of the best swimmers in her class, passing every course with flying colors and soon coming to a point where there are no more classes to be taken. So I thought about her. She listens to what the instructor says and then genuinely tries to do what they are asking of her. She is not afraid and she trusts her instructors. Once she gets the hang of a skill you can see that she then simply owns it and tries to excel at it. So I tried these things. I stopped making excuses for my driving. I tried to let go of what I thought I already knew. I literally pressed my lips shut and listened to what he was saying ( I can be quite the talker! lol!). I really tried not to take offense at criticism and just employed his advice. I trusted him when he said to go faster or slower knowing that he did not want to crash either! As I got more comfortable I thrived on a compliment and tried to keep up doing what I was doing right and take on the next thing. In the end I did much better. Not perfectly, but good enough to be able to take the next course "Nighttime Driving." Yay! The neighbors have agreed to watch the children that night so we are on to the next phase...phew!
Patrick and I also went to the bank and discovered that we would be approved of a loan for the cars....good news for sure but then I did a stupid thing. Patrick and I thought we might check with our families before we actually took the loan to see if we could take slightly lower interest loans from our folks in order to ease up on the financial stress a bit. His side was more than happy to help and mine...took it as a "I told you so! We knew this would happen one day. You are failing!!!!" With a big resounding "No we will not help you." I know darn well they are wealthy. I know darn well that my grandparents used to give them low interest loans to "keep it all in the family", I know that they have helped my older brother in the past and that they currently support my younger brother, so silly me, I thought that they would feel that they could help me. It really shook me up that first night and confirmed my worst fears about them but my recovery was quick. I think it even aided me in my final snipping of any ties that bind me to them. I say "they" but really it was my father that made the decision. My mother was horrified by it but "powerless to do anything" as she put it. So as disturbing as the situation is I am grateful. It confirms in me that I am OK and did nothing wrong...he is a bully. I am grateful that I am not in a marriage like that with my partner having all of the power. I was pleased that despite the slap in the face I was able to rise above it and found myself reassuring my mother that "Everything would be alright". We don't have the best relationship clearly but I did not want her to worry that I would turn on them. I won't...but I did put one more brick in the wall.
So just as things were sinking in and we were evaluating our overall situation we got a phone call from Ålesund. They had questions about some upcoming menus and they were wondering about our progress. At some point the conversation with Patrick turned to the "car and drivers license situation" and they were incredibly supportive. We were told not to lose any sleep over any of it...they would pick us up and drop us off until we got our licenses...if we can´t get two cars right away we can have the company car for a while...they even moved the date back of a "meet and greet" dinner they were planning until we could get our feet under us. They offered to have people sent over to help us unload and unpack when we arrived. The hotel manager even said she would talk to the company GM regarding the amount of money we are spending out of pocket to get our drivers licenses since we are doing it solely so we can move up there and work for them. We were kind of stunned...in a really good way!
Clarity...good and bad and reality are all tumbled into one but at least I got clarity on a bunch of things in about 48 hours. I learned a lot...from my daughter, from my parents and from my new employer. Thinking about my daughter taught me how to learn, dealing with my parents helped teach me what kind of a parent I want to be when I am big and hearing from my future employers taught me to have faith in the kindness of strangers even when I have every reason to have faith in no one. I also need to mention that the generosity of Patrick's parents taught me that there can be security and love within families.
Despite the "downs", the "ups" made me feel really great, appreciated, proud, relieved and above all "normal" ...something I am always striving for. :-)
Oh! one more thing! A really important thing. Thank you wonderful Spark Friends. I leaned on you and you came through for me. You have been there for me more than you know. I really count on you. The wonderful comments and support are helping me so much through all of this. I often re read the responses or read them aloud to Patrick...it helps me to know I have such good friends and to know that you have such faith in me. Thank you.
Member Comments About This Blog Post
Ronna, your new employers sound wonderful. Sometimes the people that we work with become our family even more than our blood relatives. I can so relate to your relationship with your father. So far everyone has been very supportive of our move to Spain. But when I told my father about our decision, he had nothing but negative comments. I feel for you! Just remember, the way people treat you says more about who they are than who you are!
Take care. Sending you lots of hugs!
1686 days ago
Isn't it interesting how the right answers present themselves? As you know, I was a wreck before Christmas, and then the right path presented itself at just the right time. It happened when it was supposed to. That's amazing that you can see wisdom in your daughter - so many parents think they have to know it all, and it leads to a terrible relationship with their children in the future. We can all learn from people younger and older than us.
Sorry that your family doesn't appreciate all your gifts. You are an amazing, talented woman with a beautiful family, inside and out. I'm glad that you found a husband who shares partnership with you, too.
In other news, I'm packing too! More on this later...
1688 days ago
Comment edited on: 2/5/2013 7:06:30 AM
I had to go back and read the earlier post - and was absolutely shocked at the prices you quote. Having the driver licence conversion age out is a bad surprise, and the cost of the cars is another. Having your father favor your brothers is another surprise - we always work hard to treat all three kids the same, and we have to the best of my knowledge.
I'm glad you're doing better on the driving courses.
1689 days ago
Just loved this post! I remember when my own kiddos were small and I was attempting a wintery trek from Montana to Oregon across the northern part of Idaho and eastern Washington. Between the flat tire, snow, icy mountain passes and then the black ice and fog, by the second day I was nearly panicked. But thankful one of the songs the kids were listening to held some powerful truths that I simply reminded myself were true for me too. SO glad you are making it! But so sorry about your family -- I don't understand how things can happen like that, but am so grateful you have the opportunity to be loved and blessed by Patrick's family!
1689 days ago
GREAT post! I especially love it when we learn from our children! That always seems like such a special miracle to me!
I just knew it would start to fall into place. So happy for you!
1689 days ago
Learning to drive in a new country - my wife is struggling with this too - she can drive great in her home country but it is so difficult for her here to pass the written tests - words and sentences are so tricky and she gets confused and picks the wrong answers -- we keep trying
1689 days ago
Oh, Ronna! What a whirlwind of emotions you have gone through. I am so sorry that your parents weren't there to support you. You and Patrick have done such amazing things and have excelled - I just don't understand how they could not help you out.
You just show them that you will be fine!!
And, yes, you know that your Sparkfriends are right here - always - for you!!
Sending you lots of hugs!!
1690 days ago
I can so relate to all of this, in different ways! I suppose it's part of the human condition....the lesson from your daughter is priceless! And I found the same thing (through a different route, of course, never having met your daughter!), listen to the experts and trust what they are saying, and let go of your preconceived notions and fears.
The parent thing too, when I was buying my house (quite a while back) I was all set to sign the loan papers, and then thought the same as you, maybe ask my parents (just my dad actually, they were divorced, and my mom is not as good with her money as my dad) for a small loan to use as a down payment. Well, that was nixed, and in the end it worked out for the better, since doing it on my own really gave me great pride in the fact that I COULD do it on my own. But I also knew that my grandparents had loaned my parents money....the real difference between your situation and mine though is that my siblings really got the same treatment!
And for your new employers! They are really coming through with some generosity, nice to hear, give what else was going on. You picked well!
1691 days ago
That is great that your new employer is so supportive. I am also delighted to hear the driving is going so well. I think once you move and start getting settled things will seem much better.
1691 days ago
I'm sorry for how your parents treated you, but glad that you won't be wasting any more time chasing them. You and Patrick are more than strong enough as a team.
That's fantastic how your new bosses came through for you! I don't think I've ever heard the like. I am SO happy that two of my dearest Sparkfriends will be working for such supportive, wonderful people.
You are truly an inspiration to me!
1691 days ago
1691 days ago
I am so pleased for you to be making the move. What wonderful people you will be working for! You deserved to be treated well and courteously. You know my parent is like yours... enough said. Very nice of Patrick's parents to come through for you! Learning from our children is wonderful. Know that you instilled that kind of learning and confidence in Quinn, so she learned it from you and Patrick.
You'll have that driver's license in no time. Believe in yourself... I have faith in you!
1691 days ago
I love how you thought of Quintessa and her swim lessons. Children are amazing huh? I had to laugh when you mentioned that you can be quite the talker. I interrupt all the time at work. I always have something to say. Outstanding getting to the next stage. Amazing still that you have to go through all of this.
Great idea to go to your families for the loan, to look into the possibility. When I read what you said about your family it totally hit home. Recall when I bought my Toyota RAV4 years ago. I bought it new. It was not that I asked for money but I still got an attitude from them. They said something about using my inheritance. What inheritance? I guess they thought I was putting myself in debt. They were not just happy for me to get my first new car. My family never bought new and they were offended I guess by my progress. How stupid is that. It is just like your parents (dad) jumping to the failure card. HELLO, had he seen the absolutely incredible work that you do and the incredible kids you have and life/family you have made. BOY I am getting mad now. SOME PEOPLE. URG!!!
I am so happy that you saw the situation for exactly what it was. I am so pleased and impressed. It is not easy accepting reality sometimes.
..... WooHoo, possibility of company car for a while. I love your new employers! They sound very caring. This must be more assurance that you are doing the right thing. It may be quite challenging but far better than working for/with people that would not listen/hear your concerns or idea. Outstanding!
YOU ARE SO WELCOME. You are a great friend (one of my 2 best) outside of my DH.
1691 days ago
I'm so glad things are looking up!
Sorry about your family. Mine is unsupportive but in a different way...my husband's parents (especially his mother) were so much more "on our side." I miss them so much. Be happy you have family you can count on, and write the others off as "lessons on how not to behave."
1691 days ago
It's funny how things work out isn't it? Looking forward to reading more about the move. It does sound like that you have made a good decision to go there.
1691 days ago
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