I have basically just been posting through status updates, and then sometimes I post things, and things don't go according to plan and I feel like a DOFUS. I swear, sometimes I feel like I jinx stuff. So for my spark friends that actually "know me", this blog is for you... and if you don't know me feel free to join in, but you probably won't give a tiny rats butt about anything in this blog.
: So a few months back I thought Sheldon had a stroke. We believe he has Vestibular disease which hits older dogs. He was doing great, he was doing great with Sparky, in fact he was the spunkiest I had seen him in weeks. I wake up at 1030 am Thursday (that is like the "middle of the night" for me and my whacky schedule), to Sparky barking. My poor Sheldon was standing there with his nose to the ground, wouldn't react to me, it was like I didn't exist. We did take him to the emergency vet, there is a possibility he has a brain tumor, which they prescribe steroids for but at his age it is not worth putting him through an MRI and other tests. Plus the fact that I can't afford some wazoo medical care. He is anywhere from 10-13, so the goal at this point is to just keep him as happy and comfortable for as long as possible. When I took him in December of 2011, the shelter was going to put him down because he was a nasty little dog and no one could touch him. Of course now he hearts me, but he will still tell you when he's "not having it" and will snap at you. My family has always prided ourselves in taking the "problem children". I would never take a dog that everybody wants to adopt, I'd much rather save the one that is overlooked.
Anyways, he looked horrible, but today he is feeling a lot better and was gently playing with Sparky again today. As for Sparky, he sleeps in my bed and sits with me on the couch, he does have some minor behavioral issues which just reaffirms he belongs at my house. The only thing that could be an issue is if he decides to bark when I am at work. Worst case scenario he will need a bark collar while I'm working, I am dreading that and I hope we don't have to go that route, but if the alternative was being put to sleep at the shelter, I can still find comfort in knowing this is a much better route for Sparky.
Sparky and I also went for our first walk today and it went great, and now he is pooped. I am going to make it a goal to walk him on all my days off. Around my block is exactly 1 mile and tomorrow we will go for 2. Walking with a high energy dog really allows me to pick up the pace and he almost pushes me to walk faster which is pretty cool.
One thing I will say is having this new dog has kept me on my toes and kept me more focused on him and how he is getting along with Sheldon that I am not fighting the urge to mindlessly eat or eat out of boredom, so that's another perk.
: The boy. So this emoticon isn't ideal because these people are clearly
's in their relationship and that isn't the case. So for the handful of my ladies that really want to know what is up with the boy I thought I'd update. I still am weary of getting super personal on here... but I feel like a dummy because I posted that the boy and I had plans for Thursday. We have only hung out at his house, and this was kind of a big deal because we planned ahead, and he was coming to my house for the first time.
Here is the issue, and if you are going to lecture me or question my choices or morals, save us both the trouble and keep it to yourself...
I am about to be 27 and have not been "around the block" many times, and well, you are just going to have to take my word of it.
The short version of the boy story is we went on a date once, a little over 4 years ago. We never really hung out again, but we continued to talk. We talked through text/instant messenger mostly... but we have been friends ever since. He wanted to see me a few times through the years but I avoided it like the plague because I had gained a significant amount of weight from the last time he saw me.
As an example, I was about 205ish when we went on our date, and at any given time was between 240-272 and had no desire to allow him to see me that way. He was once very overweight, lost 80 pounds, and then has gained back a few. He still deals with self image and feeling fat even though he is definitely not fat. So he has never been anything but nice about my weight, but it was a personal issue.
Anyways, we started "hanging out" in September. It was nothing serious and we have seen each other very sporadically since then. Our schedules are totally opposite, he works 4am to 4pm, I work 5pm to 5am, and we typically don't share many of the same days off. He also works A LOT of overtime. So obviously that didn't make for much time together.
(Apparently my fingers have taken over, and it's all just flooding out, LOL)... He does this thing, THAT I HATE where he will go days without texting me. IT MAKES ME CRAZY. I like to think I'm pretty sane by nature, but I have never had a guy do that. He feels like if he's working he doesn't have to talk to me and I hate that. I have told him repeatedly how much that hurts me, and he works on it for a little bit but then it's back to his old ways. When I first met him, I would tease him that he was "too nice" and "like a girl" because, well he really was. I believe his current job has kind of changed him, and some of the changes aren't good.
Since I gave the disclaimer above, I will say we basically were "hooking up" and not really "dating". I have never really skipped the dating part, so this was uncharted territory for me and let me just say it is not for me. I can't deal with that, and I've learned that for the future. I was very open and honest with him that I couldn't handle the situation... communicating with him in general is like pulling teeth, and talking about something REAL makes it even harder, but basically he agreed with me that he didn't want it to just be hooking up, but then made no effort to change it. And for the record, I don't even know how much I really like the guy, I wasn't trying to make him my boyfriend, I just wanted to spend some time together, go on a proper date and see if we even TRULY enjoyed each others company. Again, would agree he didn't want it to be hooking up and in the SAME sentence say he didn't know what he wanted. So that is what I've been dealing with since December.
The last time I saw him was the end of December, he was supposed to come over Thursday. The thing is, he did not have my address so we obviously needed to talk before hand even if he said on Monday he was going to come over. I text him Tuesday to see if he is still coming over. My #1 reason for wanting to know was so I could make sure everything was super clean. He didn't say anything. Then Wednesday I asked again and nothing. When he finally did respond I was just done. He said he wanted to come on Thursday but he wasn't sure if it was a good idea because he still wasn't sure what he wanted, but he just didn't want it to be about that (hooking up). What I can't understand is, you don't know what you want but you don't want it to be hooking up, but you have not once tried to have an actual date. I was really hoping we would have a great day on Thursday and that it would help and now that is totally crushed.
It didn't end well, that was the only text I got from him, but being an emotional girl I kind of just told him that I felt like he knows what he wants, but he just doesn't want it with me and that I was done. He always weasels his way back in and he always does the "come over now" stuff and I hate that but I have given into it. I am just kinda hurt by the whole situation. He doesn't owe me anything as we aren't even dating, so it just makes me feel like the worlds biggest idiot. I have never been shy about saying I have severe self esteem issues, and I feel like any girl with a good sense of self worth wouldn't have let it gone on this long without putting her foot down.
Mind you, my comment to him about knowing what he wants comes from the fact that for the last 4 years he has whined to me that he doesn't like being alone and wants a girlfriend. Now you have someone (me) that wants to spend time with you and you "don't know what you want". He is 29 and has never had a girlfriend, and I'm not mocking that at all, but I can't understand why he has told me for years he wished he had a girlfriend and then has acted this way with me. I think that is why it's a bigger slap in the face to me, I feel like he wants a girlfriend, but just not me. And even right now when he has no other options, I feel like I'm still not good enough. Like he'd rather chose being alone over being with me. Time will tell, but I don' t know if I will be hearing from him again. The hardest part is that I'm losing a friend. *SIGHS*
Wow, so this turned into a huge venting blog instead of a simple update. I will probably regret putting "so much" out there, but it is what it is. So this is what I've been struggling with, a lot of emotional stuff over here and it's just been really hard. I am feeling better today but the whole thing still plagues me.