Friday, February 01, 2013
For the past week or so, words spoken to me by one of my coworkers has been bouncing around inside my skull. She asked me why I didn't do more with my appearance, insisting that it was a shame because I'm so... well, pretty. At least, that's what she called me. I have a LOT of trouble believing that myself. Let's face it- when you're as heavy as I am, that sort of thing is a little hard to swallow.
A lot of thoughts popped up after she said this. "She must mean that I'd be pretty after I lost the weight. That's it.", "She's just being nice." and, "Ha, as if." The biggest one though, was, "What if she's right?"
Over the years, I've had a number of people in my life that seemed unable to do anything but find fault with me. I'd hear things like, "You're not wearing that, are you?" and "I know you're upset about your weight. This isn't about my anger issues." My dad and my ex-husband are both people with a talent for making someone feel about two inches tall. But the worst critic I had to deal with by far has been myself. I have felt fat and ugly so long that I think I'd forgotten how to believe I could look good.
When I was a teenager, I wanted to be a professional makeup artist. My dad mocked me for that one, so I just kind of shrugged my shoulders and moved on to other things. But I never quite forgot how cool it was dreaming of creating the next Klingon or Twilek.
In a spur of the moment decision, I headed to the store after dropping Kiddo off at school and bought myself some makeup to see if there was really anything to what my coworker told me. This would be the first time in years that I wore any makeup at all.
See the results for yourself:
Word of advice- don't let anyone trash talk you, not even yourself.