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Angry? You Dang Right I'm Angry!


Friday, February 01, 2013

The past 18 hours have been eye opening for me. I've talked for the first time with my SP buddy, who unknowingly got me to admit the truth not just to her but to myself for the first time. I'm not taking the weight loss serious because........

A couple of doctor visits ago, if I understood him correctly, he told me that because of the incisional hernia repair, I'm not elligable for another transplant. Looking back, from that point forward, I began sinking into a depression, anxiety, emotional whatever you want to call it, cruddy state of mind. I mean really.....if I have to live on life support (what I consider my dialysis to be) for the rest of my life....why am I worried about losing weight??!! Seriously, dialysis is a form of life support and up until now, I hadn't taken it that seriously but hey, call it what it is! I may not be brain dead but I'm still on life support. I always said if I ever got to that place in life, don't let me live out my days on a ventilator. Well I'll be darn if I'm not doing it anyway! I have so many people tell me how strong I am and how they couldn't do what I do. I'm only human. I can only take so much. Then, I filter in that I have my Faith. I know without any doubt that my Faith is what has carried me through all of this mess called life.

So, my new friend says to get angry. That's how I'm supposed to get through this. I'm like....get angry? What good is that going to do me? I mean really? Will it change the fact that I still have a machine that I have to hook up to 5 days a dang week?? No. Will it change my kidney function? Considering I don't have one, I doubt it. So why waste what energy I have on getting angry???!!!

But ya know what? I am angry. I am angry because my life is like it is. I'm angry because I try to be a good person, live like I'm supposed to, do what I'm supposed to and I look around and there are plenty of people that have healthy lives that abuse their bodies on purpose and still LIVE without a machine! How is that fair????!!!!!! Seriously?! Why do they get the healthy body and I have to suffer with a machine? Why? Can you answer that?! You better darn well believe I'm angry! I'm soooooo angry!

I've only once before gotten really angry about my situation and that was when I was a teenager....back when I first found out that I had this darn kidney disease. That time, I turned very far away from God. Tried to forget my faith. This time, I won't walk away from God. I know He understands my anger. Even He gets angry. This time, I'll feel my anger and use it to make the parts of my body that are healthy, work to their best capacity. I'll turn this anger into something positive.....somehow....by the grace of God above, I'll do it.

Granted, I'll stick with this machine and let it continue to keep me as healthy as a machine can so that I can function and make a difference in this world while I'm here. But from this point forward, I'll look at it and all the anger I feel right this very minute will be transferred into energy, strength, power and motivation to make my body as healthy as I can so that I can accomplish those goals I set out to obtain. I'll do it if it's the last thing on this earth that I do!!!

Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you have tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do. - Pope John XXIII

I do NOT intend to tip-toe through life to arrive safely at death!
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ANGIEHOLLAND461 2/2/2013 8:12PM

    im new to this sorry i posted twice

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ANGIEHOLLAND461 2/2/2013 8:09PM

    I dont know you but I do know this God says to be angry but sin not so even God knows at times we have to just get angry and its ok to do just that .. I was angry when my daughter got sick and almost died I was angry when my son broke his neck I was angry when I got cancer but God took control and He helped me get through it. Its ok to be angry its ok to not understand and its also ok to reach out to others I will be praying for you

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ANGIEHOLLAND461 2/2/2013 8:08PM

    I dont know you but I do know this God says to be angry but sin not so even God knows at times we have to just get angry and its ok to do just that .. I was angry when my daughter got sick and almost died I was angry when my son broke his neck I was angry when I got cancer but God took control and He helped me get through it. Its ok to be angry its ok to not understand and its also ok to reach out to others I will be praying for you

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NEWTINK 2/2/2013 8:35AM

    As you know I am not as religious as most so I am not going to discuss your faith because I know you are strong in your faith .. I will tell you that if you dont feel every emotion and deal with it no matter what it is then you will not find peace in any form. I think you are own your way to doing just that . The world is full of liars and make believers and people wont to say all the smiles and rainbow junk so everyone is always happy on the outside but as your Friend and SP buddy I want you to be happy on the inside also because I know that is where you will find your true potential. Life isnt fair but I believe that we are never given more than we can deal with. They gave me a pain that will never go away, it is always there and I fight every day just to take that one more step . They gave you a bum wrap with a bad kidney but you have the strength to deal with that and then flip your nose at the world because you made it further than any one thought you could .. I believe in you and I know that you can do this ... emoticon

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WENDYJM4 2/2/2013 1:15AM

    emoticon

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2BDYNAMIC 2/1/2013 11:00PM

    As I can see, Janet, this is a very sensitive matter ......... and health matters generally are ..........
In our household (Christians also) we have faced numerous life threatening situations and emergencies ............. One was when we held our fragile baby in our arms after her abdomen 'de-hissed' ....... following surgery (the stitches literally 'blew' and we had to race her thru a blizzard and black ice on the roads to get her to the hospital where she would have 'another' surgery ............... She was five months old ........... the Doctors said "It was touch and go" ....... and we sat and prayed for hours while they did the emergency surgery ............ (she had her first surgery when she was less than 24 hours old ............ was raced air ambulance to UC Davis ............ and had to have a 'double barrel colostomy' .................... then five surgeries followed ................... In this wicked storm, my husband raced along the winding icy road (at night too in the dark) .......... we watched the snow fall and held her tight in my arms .................... I did not let her see the tears in my eyes as she was looking up at me w/ her large blue eyes .......... so fragile, so dependent ................ I say quite honestly ............ we did not engage in the thinking .......... "How unfair or why is this happening to her and us?" ............ Her life depended on us being 100% in faith so the Lord could move mightily ............. As we waited for the surgeons to do their work.............. yes, we were bombarded with horrific images .......... (know where they came from though) but still the ugly images of "You are going to have a funeral " ............. tried to prevail ................ But NO!!!! ............. As we sat there, I can tell you I ran the scripture ............ Hebrews 11:1 ............. NOW FAITH IS THE SUBSTANCE OF THINGS HOPED FOR, THE EVIDENCE OF THINGS NOT YET SEEN W/ THE PHYSICAL EYE." ..................... I cAst down those taunting images and replaced them w/ a visual inside .................. I pictured her playing in the sunshine in the summer that would follow this treacherous winter ................ I held FAST and did NOT LET GO OF MY FAITH ................ Faith can and will move mountains .............. AS WE HANG on and hold fast unwavering ....................... I think if/ when one becomes angry, it will be or can be most effective when we attach the healing verses and say .................. over and over ........... daily ................... "It is written ................ 103rd psalm is an excellent healing verse we have used the past 34 years ................... the healing scriptures are tried and true and are timeless as is the Lord who sleeps not .................... so turn the anger to peace and rest in his holy promises .................. Let him carry you in his loving arms as only He can do ........................ I will stand with you if you like ................... Best, 2B

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LAELLIS1 2/1/2013 10:30PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KIMBERLY19732 2/1/2013 9:35PM

    Hi! I do not have nearly the health problems you have but I had open heart surgery 2 yrs ago, at the age of 37. I have steadily gained weight since I got that new heart valve! I too am a christian, married to my first love & high school sweetheart. I found SP in Jan. of this year and I'm serious about making changes to feel my best. Just wanted to say HI and you are not alone! emoticon emoticon

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FAITH0620 2/1/2013 9:34PM

    Sometimes the best thing to do in situations like that is to tap into your true emotions which is anger & rightfully should be. Anger gets a bad rap but it can be really good for ones soul. You can't keep anger bottled up or it will eat at you from the inside out. I pray that you continue to use your anger as motivation and strength. But your Faith will be your strongest muscle, Faith can move mountains. So always remember to lean on your Faith use it when you are weak. Your Faith will get you through anything. May God Bless you & I pray that he will lay his healing hands upon you.

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