Friday, February 01, 2013
The past 18 hours have been eye opening for me. I've talked for the first time with my SP buddy, who unknowingly got me to admit the truth not just to her but to myself for the first time. I'm not taking the weight loss serious because........
A couple of doctor visits ago, if I understood him correctly, he told me that because of the incisional hernia repair, I'm not elligable for another transplant. Looking back, from that point forward, I began sinking into a depression, anxiety, emotional whatever you want to call it, cruddy state of mind. I mean really.....if I have to live on life support (what I consider my dialysis to be) for the rest of my life....why am I worried about losing weight??!! Seriously, dialysis is a form of life support and up until now, I hadn't taken it that seriously but hey, call it what it is! I may not be brain dead but I'm still on life support. I always said if I ever got to that place in life, don't let me live out my days on a ventilator. Well I'll be darn if I'm not doing it anyway! I have so many people tell me how strong I am and how they couldn't do what I do. I'm only human. I can only take so much. Then, I filter in that I have my Faith. I know without any doubt that my Faith is what has carried me through all of this mess called life.
So, my new friend says to get angry. That's how I'm supposed to get through this. I'm like....get angry? What good is that going to do me? I mean really? Will it change the fact that I still have a machine that I have to hook up to 5 days a dang week?? No. Will it change my kidney function? Considering I don't have one, I doubt it. So why waste what energy I have on getting angry???!!!
But ya know what? I am angry. I am angry because my life is like it is. I'm angry because I try to be a good person, live like I'm supposed to, do what I'm supposed to and I look around and there are plenty of people that have healthy lives that abuse their bodies on purpose and still LIVE without a machine! How is that fair????!!!!!! Seriously?! Why do they get the healthy body and I have to suffer with a machine? Why? Can you answer that?! You better darn well believe I'm angry! I'm soooooo angry!
I've only once before gotten really angry about my situation and that was when I was a teenager....back when I first found out that I had this darn kidney disease. That time, I turned very far away from God. Tried to forget my faith. This time, I won't walk away from God. I know He understands my anger. Even He gets angry. This time, I'll feel my anger and use it to make the parts of my body that are healthy, work to their best capacity. I'll turn this anger into something positive.....somehow....by the grace of God above, I'll do it.
Granted, I'll stick with this machine and let it continue to keep me as healthy as a machine can so that I can function and make a difference in this world while I'm here. But from this point forward, I'll look at it and all the anger I feel right this very minute will be transferred into energy, strength, power and motivation to make my body as healthy as I can so that I can accomplish those goals I set out to obtain. I'll do it if it's the last thing on this earth that I do!!!
Consult not your fears, but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you have tried and failed in, but with what it is still possible for you to do. - Pope John XXIII
I do NOT intend to tip-toe through life to arrive safely at death!