It's been a few years since I have been on here. I had so much going on in my head, heart and life at the time that I stopped coming to Spark People. It was hard enough going through my day remembering to tell myself to breath and that maybe everything would be ok; I couldn't add one more thing in to remember. Life has still had it's up and downs since then, as life always will. I put my heart out there again and it was hurt, thankfully not as much as before and it is healing fast. I gained friends, I lost a few (but maybe they were never really friends to begin with I guess) and I've learned quite a number of things about me. I guess at 32 it is never too old to keep learning about yourself.

People always want to make January their time for renewal and starting over, but as January was just plain crappy, I'm making February my new year. Why be like everyone else; I have never been like everyone else anyway. So starting today and from now on I do for me. I don't give in and I don't back down. I have let people use and hurt me, not just this year, but in past years. Not this time. I am getting my ass in gear and not only working out so I can feel good, but because I can (hopefully) look good. Plus I have some vacations coming up this summer and I am determined to be more toned then I am now.

Sometimes I need a bit of a push. As much as I keep saying I am not giving up, it's hard not to. It's hard to envision an end result of me being toned and without jiggly thighs because the only time I didn't have them when I was about 12-13. It's a battle with myself. How do I know if I can get to that end, if I was never that "end product" anyway. Maybe I will never be the picture in my head... which I have to say IS realistic and not some crazy supermodel look... maybe I will always look like how I do. Granted it's not bad, persay, but can I do better? I don't know. I hope to try and be surprised and find out I can, versus trying and finding out I can't. So while this road is very long and I know bumpy and the longer I go probably even bumpier then I can even imagine at this point, I will work. I will hold on with 2 hands and take the bumps when they come and I will do my best to deal with it.