Friday, February 01, 2013
So it was the end of 2012 fast approaching and I was TOO through with the way I had been treating my body in terms of the foods I was ingesting daily. Fast food, sweets, soda's, you name it. I was under this trance over the last 6 months of the year because I had received some hard to hear news related to work that had me stressing out and frankly still has its moments here and there. Add to that, my ex who has never been on my good side since I left him years before for his disrespectful and belittling behavior towards me before and during (surprise surprise) our marriage, as well as his hate towards me since our divorce. Though I'm a grown chick and it takes a lot for others to bother me, I pride myself on not putting myself around others that exude negativity but because I had a child with this man, he felt the need to blame me for his craziness while together, along with the fact that I had the NERVE to leave him. Crazy.. I know.
Anyhoo, so fast forward to end of year 2012 and I've gotten very good at ignoring his antics and simply doing what I need to do for my child and I- However - I am still very much so an emotional eater. Bored...check. Anxious...check. Excited....check. Sad....check. Anything that puts me in an emotional swing: my ex and his game play over our child; and my job...get me not paying attention to, caring about, or being concerned with that moment..that moment when all I want to do is eat my feelings away.
What's sad is that while I am in that moment, I'm beating myself up because I know that I shouldn't be doing it, but I still do it and I love the food and I love having my moment that no one else can control. Til it's over, and I'm full and I'm so disappointed, not disgusted but definitely disappointed with myself for choosing the wrong decision. It's become so much of an issue that I began to tell myself that I knew I would do it, so it is what it is. I found that I was increasingly becoming my own self-saboteur and that's when I knew a change needed to be made again.
Control is the key word for me. To know that there are a number of people and situations in my life that have and will affect me and there's only so much I can do. What I can't do is control what they do, but I can control what I do. And if I keep patting myself on the back simply because I don't feed into my ex's issues, or I don't let work problems overwhelm me while at work BUT I go home and graze on food for half the evening in my own privacy - it's not really winning is it?
So 2013 is a personal challenge for me. Yes I have a goal weight, yes I have inches to lose. But what I'm not doing this for is anyone else but me. I'm not going to beat myself up if I have a setback one day. I won't throw the entire day away just because I ate more at lunch that I should have. I'm going to make more effort to put in the work. This first month, January before re-joining Spark I lost 6 lbs making small adjustments to my lifestyle and I plan to continue it into the rest of the year and for a lifetime.
My grandmother always said, "nothing worth working for is easy..and easy doesn't always smell like roses."