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    CHANGINGSAM   22,479
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#122

Friday, February 01, 2013

This blog is meant to be honest - with you all but especially myself. A few of you have told me that I inspire you; while I am grateful for the comment, I feel like the last three weeks have been the opposite of that. I've let you all down. More importantly, I've been letting myself down.

Three weeks ago, I caught a stomach virus, and it took all week to recover. Right after that, I had a sinus infection that left me miserable. After finally feeling better, I was determined to get back on track, but it didn't happen. In fact, there's no excuse for last week. The only thing that happened last week was that I fell back into my old habits of being lazy and gluttonous. It's taken it's toll on me mentally and physically.

I don't know if it's just laziness or truly no energy, but I haven't worked out in about three weeks. I've wanted to. By the time I get home, all I want to do is lay down. So, I do just that. No motivation.

I really struggle with food. I love chicken alfredo, nachos, potato chips, candy, chips and salsa, etc. When I'm doing well with food, my mind tempts me with these yummy, fattening foods, and 90% of the time, I give in. To be honest, when I do well and I allow myself a "free" meal, I feel so so guilty for it which spawns even more "free" meals. I end up feeling so defeated.

Every Thursday and Friday, I give myself a pep talk: "Ok Sam, this weekend is going to be different. You'll exercise, make healthy choices in regards to food, and get eight cups of water in! You can do this!" But the truth is, I never do. In fact, when Monday rolls around, I'm always regretful of how I treated the weekend. For some reason, the weekend just feels like a vacation for me. While I give myself the pep talk, I truly know that it won't happen. It's really a wasted energy. It's been this way since I began my journey in mid-June.

After some time of thinking this morning, I feel like I don't belong on Spark anymore because I haven't changed my habits. I've tried, but like I said, they don't stick on the weekends. So what's the point? Truthfully, I don't feel like I will ever reach my goal. Maybe I'm destined to be this gluttonous, lazy girl. I don't even feel worthy of the pounds that I did lose.

So the truth is out. I'm sorry to any one who may have been inspired by me; in fact, I'm just ashamed of myself. I truly hope that all of you will reach your goals. Please don't be like me. Make the changes. Be happy.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BREW99 2/5/2013 4:34PM

    emoticon (together)

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PAPER_WINGS18 2/2/2013 10:16PM

    Message me your FB info. if you have it =)

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MELLYBEANS0919 2/1/2013 5:58PM

    Aw Sam, this post broke my heart. You don't let ANYONE down when you are not reaching your goals. We aren't perfect. Heck, I have been on here over 3 years. Yes, I said THREE and have I lost weight? Not much. Has exercise become a habit and I love it? Nope. I haven't exercised in a few days again. I simply can't be bothered. Am I eating 100% healthy? Nope, I had two helpings of a treat today. I also overate. No one is perfect. Please don't beat yourself up, get down on yourself, give up. You are welcomed here, you are loved.
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KANDOLAKER 2/1/2013 3:56PM

    I am here for you - we all our. Three weeks does not make much difference in the large scheme of things. If you need a break, no worry - take a break - but stay with us. Your motivation may come back soon - maybe something on this site will "spark" you to try again. What you are going thru is very understandable and not that uncommon. Take some deep breaths, take some time for yourself, and know that we are all here for you! All the best - Kathy

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OJIBWEEQUAY 2/1/2013 3:03PM

    Oh Love! I gained almost 20 pds last year!!!!!!! And I am a motivator??? HA! Stick with it gal. Do it for yourself and for no other reasons emoticon

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CHUBRUB3 2/1/2013 2:09PM

    You still inspire me my friend. You are honest and you persevere. So smile and begin again.
Hugs,
Angela

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WALKING_WONDER 2/1/2013 1:44PM

    Look at all these comments! You see, we're here for you and we care about you. Don't let these last three weeks convince you to quit. It sounds to me like you really need the help. You can't get all the wonderful benefits of SP if you leave. Maybe you're just down-in-the-dumps from being sick for so long and it has you thinking negatively. I would suggest waiting until you are in a more positive frame of mmind before you make a decision like this. Please let us help you!!!

Keep us posted on what you decide to do! If you leave us, you will be missed!

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PAPER_WINGS18 2/1/2013 1:22PM

    There's nothing I can say that these other fabulous ladies haven't said. But don't quit SP. If you quit SP, what kind of support system do you have? A year from now, would you rather weigh the same as now(with the great chance of weighing substantially less!) or weigh 20+ pounds more than you do now? You can do this, Sam.

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POOKASLUAGH 2/1/2013 1:02PM

    Spark is not for people who have changed their habits. It's for people who are trying to do better, and you are. Do you mess up? Yeah, of course. We all do. I binge on chocolate and potato chips for at least a week every month - not helping my weight loss! I've literally lost no more than 2 lbs in any month since June, and have had several 0-lb loss months. But what happens if you leave? I don't know. Maybe it'll be okay for you and you'll keep trying. Or maybe being here helps to keep your health on your mind 75% of the time, and you do better than without it. Spark is not here to chastise you for bad habits, or for gaining weight back, or for anything else. It is for support and friendship. If you want to give up Spark, I can understand that - I nearly quit a year ago, because I was overwhelmed by the social media aspect of it, and feeling like I had to live up to a standard. But my husband sat me down and talked to me, and said that it would be like throwing away an entire batch of cookies because a single cookie burned - and he's no fan of Spark in the first place! I decided to stay, and it's been helpful to have people around who continue to encourage me when I'm discouraged, and help me celebrate those (very) few and far between milestones.

What I'm saying is that you shouldn't give up because you feel like you're failing any of us. You also shouldn't give up because you feel like you're failing yourself. We are all harder on ourselves than anyone else is on us, and from all the blogs I see from you berating yourself about weekends, it makes me feel like maybe what needs to change is not your behavior on weekends, but how you approach that behavior. You've lost about 20 lbs right? So don't try to lose on weekends - eat what you want. Indulge. You're not going to gain those 20 lbs back in a single weekend. That's 70,000 calories in addition to what you need to live. That's over 35,000 calories a day. You'd explode. So indulge a little - give yourself leeway, instead of beating yourself up, and then go back to your regimen during the week. Or something. Find a way to do this YOUR way. Fast, slow, whatever - it's better than giving up and succumbing to depression, whether or not you stay on Spark.

If Spark isn't helping you, or is making you feel worse, then by all means, delete your account. We will miss you terribly, but you should be here for you, and not for us. That works in reverse too, though - if Spark IS helping you, you should stay, and not feel guilty for letting anyone else - or yourself - down from time to time. Believe me, the rest of us are not watching to see when you fail - we are just here to support you when you need it.

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CHODGES83 2/1/2013 1:02PM

    I feel like there's not anything I can say that these other sparks have not already said. Thank you for sharing with us. Thank you for being honest, especially honest with your doubts. You have no reason to be ashamed. Keep your chin up and take your babysteps (Bob) cause you have the strength to be the best version of yourself. I believe in you.

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EMFRAPPIER 2/1/2013 1:00PM

    This kind of thing happens to all of us. The weekends are definitely the hardest, and I have had plenty of start-over Mondays. It can be really hard to handle and really tempting to quit. Please don't quit. Don't put so much pressure on doing everything perfectly. It doesn't happen. Focus on small steps to get back into your healthy routine. Each day (each meal) is a new chance. Don't focus on the past - it doesn't matter if you slip up or fall down, all that matters is that you get back up. emoticon

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GIANTMICROBE 2/1/2013 12:46PM

    We all get like this and feel down on ourselves at some point. I was on Spark for over a year talking and talking but just gaining. Thought I had all the answers because I had lost so much weight so many years before- never minding the fact I was 30 pounds overweight at the time. I was not practicing what I preached on Spark- for over a YEAR.

It is my experience that sometimes, although we want to change, we might have to wait until something just clicks and you just do it. I also find it helps to take the pressure off yourself. Instead of saying "I HAVE to do this" or "I HAVE to do that", replace it with "I should ____ because ______". That nearly almost always works for me.

Think about what you're suggesting... just giving up. Is that what you really want to do?

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NIKKICOLE83 2/1/2013 12:45PM

    Oh girl. You deserve Spark as much as anyone else. In fact, Spark is for those who are struggling not a platform for the succesful to get pats on the back. Whether you like it or not, you are inspiring. You probably just inspired someone else to finally be honest with themselves.

If weekends are your downfall, then make the weekdays your success story. Eat clean, get moving again, and burn as much as you can with the knowledge that you are going to enjoy your chips and salsa on the weekend. I am a very social person and I am typically hosting something or going somewhere every Saturday or Sunday. I allow for that by putting in a crazy workout Saturday morning before I even have breakfast and then I go to a Zumba class on Sunday. Basically, I eat crazy but I sweat crazy before hand on the weekends so that I can at least say, I don't gain.

Don't give up on yourself. If you woke up tomorrow BACK at your starting weight, you will have wished that you had this opportunity back. You won't be perfect and stop expecting yourself to be.

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C8TSON 2/1/2013 12:44PM

    Oh Sam, it hurts my heart to hear you beat yourself up for this. And furthermore, sparkpeople has absolutely no "personality trait requirements" to fulfill. We are all out here struggling and messing up everyday. We are human and cannot be perfect 24/7, especially with advertisements and temptations EVERYWHERE. Sometimes I wonder how anyone could choose to live healthy when I see 47 signs in one mile of town advertising for junk foods. I REALLY don't think you are alone in feeling this way. I know there have been many Mondays when I feel like "why try?" For months I have done this diet/exercise thing and haven't lost a single pound. But, I keep trying, because I know that it's coming off one way or another. Look at what you HAVE done. You have lost weight, ran marathons, worked out consistently, improved your overall health, and no matter what you believe, you have encouraged many of us out here. I hope that this emotion will not overtake you to the point of stopping all of your progress. You should definitely let your sparkfriends be here for you and to encourage you. Hang in there, and no matter what, emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CAROLYN_ROSE 2/1/2013 12:41PM

    We have all been at this place!!! Spark is not meant to be a end game. It's a website designed knowing there will be ups and downs. Life isn't easy and weigh loss is even harder. Don't get discouraged though! I wouldn't delete my profile, maybe take a little break. Step away for a little while, clear your head. Look deep inside as to why you keep on sabotaging youself. The answers are there, sometimes they take a little longer to find them out though.

Don't leave this place because you feel you've failed. Every one of us on here has failed at one point or another. But you just need to pick youself back up. Sure you may be sabotaging your weekends (we all do fyi) but sooner or later. SOmething will click and you'll figure it out. Hugs!! And good luck.

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DJSQUISHIE 2/1/2013 12:40PM

    Oh Sam, you're being way too hard on yourself! Of course weight loss is a constant struggle; it's like that for everyone! I have the exact same problems as you with food, and with exercising...it's nothing to be ashamed of.

I've only worked out maybe 3 times this whole month! And yes I do have a knee problem..but there are plenty of things for me to do at the gym. I just choose to stay at home after work instead of going to the gym most days. I'm going to work on that more this month, but each day is going to be a constant battle with myself to get it done.

You have nothing to be ashamed of regarding what you eat, and falling into a rut. Don't feel like you're being pressured to live up to other people's standards just because they praise you for doing well. You're only human, and you're allowed to feel bad about not doing your best.

I would be sad if you really left Spark People...not to add pressure! LOL! I would be sad because you're a really nice person, and it's nice to relate to someone with the same struggles and self doubt that I have. At least on here you can always find comfort from other peoples encouragement instead of dealing with the doubt on your own.

Don't beat yourself up girl, because it's not worth it.

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