I managed to squeak out a 1.4 pound loss this week. This time, I'm only setting a goal of a pound a week. It's definitely coming off a lot slower than it was 40-something pounds ago. More importantly, I want to make sure that everything I'm doing right now is something I can continue doing even at a maintenance weight, because weight loss cannot be my primary goal anymore.
I know me. I know I like to eat. I like to be athletic too. So while I try to watch what I eat and exercise more, this time it's more important for me to focus on the big picture. I like sushi. So I need to have a lifestyle that allows me to eat sushi once a week. I also like my mom's cooking, alcohol, and the occasional Five Guys visit. My boyfriend's culinary skills on the weekend involved mostly frozen pizzas. Now, that probably means I will need to exercise a LOT. Which is OK as long as I'm doing something I love, like this triathlon training.
What I can't do is be an emotional eater. I can't turn to food for comfort because I'm tired or stressed or depressed. I also can't overdo it with foods that make me feel bad. A lot of fat makes my tummy very grumpy because of my missing gallbladder. Anything with carbs from mostly sugar makes me really moody and sleepy because of the PCOS. I cannot consistently have more than 50-55% of carbs in my diet without feeling incredibly fatigued and depressed. I have to find balance with the food that I love. Like sushi and mom's cooking just one time a week. And fewer slices of the frozen pizza with some healthy snacks thrown in later. Will I always succeed? Heck no! It's a day to day thing. Even after 2 1/2 years of therapy and 2 more years of working at it myself, I STILL have days where I am so stressed that BBQ nachos is the only thing right in a world of wrong. And I know there will be more days like that. The key is that I cannot let it CONSUME me like it once did. When I do that 2, 3, 4 days in a row, it turns into a week. Then two weeks. Then next thing you know, I'm back at square one.
You know, regardless of the time I've spent off SP these last few years, I've only managed to put back on 10 pounds of the total 50 I lost. To me, that is an extreme achievement. I've basically maintained a 40 pound loss since March of 2011. That's almost 2 YEARS! Instead of focusing on that last 10 lost/regained, I've never taken the time to consider the other side of that. Through a divorce, student teaching, graduate school, and a full-time job, I managed to only gain 10 pounds, and I really only did that towards the middle of 2012. That is crazy to wrap my head around because I am an emotional eater. I have struggled with anxiety and depression for years. If anything can make you feel worthless and insecure, it's your husband running off with a 21 year old blonde almost 10 years younger than him.
But I didn't let it consume me like I had let all the other crap in my life before that. And the only things I can think of that saved me from that was God, all the work I put into my therapy, and my divorce support class.
So I guess I'm saying that sometimes you have to put things in perspective. If you haven't lost any weight recently, think of the weight you lost before and the fact that you have maintained. If you haven't lost any weight yet, think about how your clothes fit better or how much energy you have or that you aren't moping on your couch or that you can walk up a flight of stairs without feeling like you are going to pass out. THAT is what you should be proud of. Losing weight shouldn't be the goal. Being HEALTHY and HAPPY and LOVING YOURSELF at any weight should be your ultimate desire and reason to change your lifestyle. Losing weight should just be a nice perk of achieving that.
(I do tend to have a sarcastic sense of humor