Being a battlefield
Friday, February 01, 2013
Ok... I need to have a debate with myself about tomorrow's run.
The nagging pain in my left leg (and now back, probably because of some compensation for the leg) has been getting worse over the last week, peaking yesterday when it felt like my whole left side below the waist was one giant rolling muscle cramp. The pain was enough to make me nauseous periodically throughout the day, and while it's a bit better today, it's definitely still there.
Side note... while I now know I CAN pull a half marathon out of my behind without properly training, never... ever... do that to yourself again. The sense of accomplishment won't go away just because I've trained for the distance, and I won't likely have this kind of lingering problem a month later if I do it right.
So Wednesday I had planned as a rest day, one during which I didn't have to make any long commute walks or bike rides. When I woke up in that level of pain Thursday I debated with myself and said "Ok, let's take this seriously and keep resting. No run today." So yesterday I didn't do a workout of any kind...
... but getting to my various rehearsals did involve 3 miles of walking and 4 of biking, because that's how my life works.
Today is a day like Wednesday. There's nowhere I have to walk or bike to. I'm going out later but it's with friends who are picking me up, in a car, right outside my house. So I said to myself "Ok Tracie, you can do a short yoga video. You've been wanting to add that back in to your workouts for the flexibility and balance you need in dance, so just go gentle and keep it to 15 minutes." I did that. The imbalance going on in my body right now is neon-sign blatant. I felt better for doing it, if only mentally. Now I'm promising myself the rest of the day as rest.
The debate... is about tomorrow's 6 miler.
I want to do it. I'm actually a little surprised at myself for how much I want to do it. I want to do it because the 10k I'm running is 5 weeks from tomorrow, because I want to do this race having trained properly, and because I've discovered a lot of really good things about myself these last several weeks running. I've discovered reserves of strength and speed and power in myself I didn't think existed. I've discovered a part of my identity I've lost somewhere during this three years so far of losing weight and getting fit and healthy. I've found a passion that, while it's going to help my career, feels very separate from it (the first time I've had a totally separate interest from performing... ever).
I like the way I feel when I run. Honestly my leg feels better while I'm doing it, my thoughts focus, my world becomes very simple, and I'm proud of myself. I like what it's doing to my body too. My legs are, somehow, from the ankles upward, growing stronger and more solid. I still have a lot of fat on my body, but I noticed yesterday that my legs have a lot less of it on them than they did a few months ago.
I wan to run tomorrow.
If I don't run tomorrow... I get three days (today, tomorrow, and Sunday) when "resting" doesn't include several miles of walking and biking. I can do a little yoga, stretch, and otherwise keep off my feet. If I don't run tomorrow, my body might actually get in some real recovery time, something it hasn't had since I did the half last month. Rest days for me usually include several miles of walking, or biking, or both, or an hour long dance class, or practice, or... all of those things. It's the nature of the life I'm living, complicated by the fact that I can't drive, and since it's always been that way, I tend to forget that those things kind of negate the whole "rest" thing.
I don't know what to do. I know the internal debate is very, very strong right now. I feel like a battlefield, and it's a decision I want to make today, not in the heat of the moment tomorrow.