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ANDRIANA11
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I promise I am trying ...

Friday, February 01, 2013

To my spark family

As you may have notice I am not blogging as often as I use to.
Many evenings I thought about writing but my emotions were too extreme to translate them into words. I am working on myself at the moment. I am working on finding a balance with my feelings so that it won't affect my work, nutrition and my daily activities.

It is not easy. I have a past with eating disorders.
I thought it was gone, that it would fade away. But as I have lost all this weight.
I am feeling healthy again, I am learning to love my body. I am traumatised that it may be creeping back.

Some signs are back. (panicking when there is too much food, controlling food, wanting too much food). It is difficult to distinguish them with just a normal healthy habit.

The past few weeks. I have been back in therapy.

This time it was a conscious decision. I wanted to go and talk to someone.
In the past, I went to therapy, I was talked into it. Pressured so I could stay in school.
The condition was that if I gained the weight back, I was allowed to continued boarding school. So I did gain the weight back, and more and more until I was obese.

Today, I can run, I box, I went back to bikram yoga. I feel healthy and active again.
These new changes, I am very very close to my goal weight. BUT
I am terrified of WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN NEXT !!!

I never want to go back to OBESITY !!!
and I never want to go through ANOREXIA either !!!

I am in a fragile transition phase.
It stresses me.
I am scared.

Does anyone have any TIPS?
How do you deal with your changing habits?
With people's reaction, when you refuse cake or candy or going to mac donalds?
When you would rather exercise than sleep in?

Please tell me.
One word, two words, an essay. I don't mind.

Love and Light
xoxoxo
Andriana
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CHRISTINASP
    You did WONDERFUL managing yourself so far. I think you can find your way. I am glad you're in therapy though to get good support. This world can be very confusing. Hold on to your self.
    1307 days ago
  • PLATINUM755
    Be kind to yourself. You've put a lot of work into reaching where you are, the weight was the results not where you were, not where you are.

    As I continue to step through my journey, I journal. Okay, I love to write, but it also gives me insight about how I felt/feel. I found my reasons for eating too much, eating too much of the wrong thing, not eating. Find your reasons; It helps to have external motivators but motivation from within is POWER! and makes changing habits easier to handle, especially if you're taking it one step at a time.

    Refuse food....Never! There are so many nicer ways to say 'no thank you' and allow your to stick with your goals. To get comfortable I even practiced some of them on myself.

    As for choosing between exercising and sleeping is a mental talk session. I've found my love for working out again, however I'm interesting in losing fat not muscle and bone. Sleep helps with both. Sleep and exercise is the yin-yang scenario...you need both equally to at your best at both.

    Keep pushing! You're not alone! emoticon
    1333 days ago
  • MRS_TOAD
    Sending you support and many hugs. emoticon

    Old, unhealthy habits are hard to change. There's no doubt about it. However, you are on the track to find success. Keep up with the professional help and keep connected with your SPals. You will find that healthier you with each and every healthy habit you develop.
    1335 days ago
  • JESSYVIRGINY
    wishing you all the best emoticon
    1335 days ago
  • ANDRIANA11
    Gazillion hugs and thank yous to all of you.

    I hesitated too long before sharing this post. But there it is and you have already given me encouragement and advice through your comments.
    I am glad I wrote today.
    Olala, Sunkat , prairiecrocus and sugarmom. I am noting down your advices. Thank you. I keep going to therapy. It helps me tremendously. There was a week when i did not make it to work. Concentrated on just being. Along with therapy and exercise. The little break was much needed. Now I am working on continuing my normal routines, along with finding roots causes that spurs my bad relationship with food. Hopefully in time I will manage.

    Good night to you all
    Sweet dream
    xoxo
    Andriana
    1336 days ago
  • PRAIRIECROCUS
    emoticon
    Adriana - I wish you all the best !

    1336 days ago
  • SUGARSMOM2
    take the time to heal yourself . you have to be comfortable with you . you are special to us but you have to know that for your own healthy feeling . i have good days and bad days . I think we all do . small steps . do not rush .
    1336 days ago
  • SUNKAT
    emoticon It really is one step at a time and one day at a time. At least you recognize that you need help to deal with the out of control feelings and you are actively seeking it. If this therapist doesn't address your feelings, then seek another one. You have conquered one of life's most difficult problems-how to gain control of a food addiction while still having to eat reasonably. But the war to stay on top of this addiction may be one battle at a time. All the best to you as you seek to understand and live with your challenges.
    1336 days ago
  • ANDRIANA11
    @oolala MANY MANY MANY THANKS for this.

    You are right. Others do not draw attention to their food. I feel as if, I always end up being asked or remarked about what I am about to ingest and this does not help. I have learnt that I should not talk or dwell too much over it. I do restrict myself a little too much I think. This is why sometimes I feel if I ingest that I will be obese again. I definitely need to work on that. I fear maintenance. I truly do this is why I am asking for help. And thank you for giving me some answers. It is a work in progress. But I will try my best. I exercise a lot now. I love it. This is why I must eat healthy or else I will lose my energy to move. That is yet another fear.

    I hope I will gradually emoticon emoticon emoticon find the balance.
    Thank you again for you advice.

    1336 days ago
  • OOLALA53
    I was a binge eater for 38 years. I determined that eating regular meals was my priority three years ago. I haven't counted calories or tracked that whole time. (I don't eat sweets on weekdays, and I do free eat on weekends, but by now, my weekends are very similar to weekdays.)

    There are no foods besides sweets that I have to turn down during the week, but if I prefer something else, I just choose it. If it's not mealtime, I tell people I don't want to ruin my appetite. And that's true. I enjoy getting hungry for my meals. IF it's a sweet after a meal, I just say, no, thanks, I wish I was hungry enough to enjoy that, but I'm full. I don't talk about it much. I noticed that my thin brother never makes excuses when he turns down food.

    Wanting more food is natural, IMHO. I will sometimes look at my meal (I always put all the food I'm going to eat on a plate before I start)) and have an old feeling that it won't be enough. But as I savor my meal, I fill up and I"m fine.

    It really takes about 2-5 years to stabilize. Just ignore the errant urges. They will decrease or it will just be your habit to dismiss them. You know what it is to eat reasonably. The more you do it, the more it becomes your default. Just keep going. (I hope you are planning in all foods you actually still like a lot. But also notice as some become less important. For example, I don't prefer a lot of processed snack foods. I can eat only so much at a meal before I get too full, so if it''s between a piece of really good bread and some potato chips or such, I'll eat the bread. But if I'm at a buffet or something and there aren't my preferred starches, I might have some chips. And a handful is usually enough with everything else. )

    I know everyone fears maintenance, but I think that's because they do strict, harsh things to get where they're going. Eat reasonable meals, move consistently, and take the focus off the body's appearance. Life is bigger than this. Get into the rest of your life, too!
    1336 days ago
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