took a big step
Friday, February 01, 2013
good morning! sitting by the door, waiting to go into the mail is an envelope. in it are two application forms for a 5 K run/walk in march. this is a big step for me--it is something i have been wanting to do but haven't stepped up to the plate yet. now, after listening to on2victory's radio interview on sparkpeople, the checks are in the mail (or they will be when the sun comes up and i go outside to feed the chickens and hit the mailbox). i know i can run the event, and i am hoping that rob will begin training so he can too. at any rate he is going as well, so we will have a day together enjoying this new experience. it's a small, down home event--to raise money for the world compassion network that funds food pantries and things in the area. i chose the extra option of a wicking tee shirt so i can wear my souvenier shirt when i am running. i am excited about this small victory. it reinforces to me that i can claim the identity of a "runner". i may not be fast, or elite in my time, but as long as i show up and move--that's what i am. a runner.
i think a lot of what spark people does is that it teaches you and allows you to examine and redefine your identity. you come to understand mainly from reading the words of so many others that our thoughts about ourselves are not tangible real things, but they are powerful things that will ultimately shape reality to match themselves. and they are not immutable--although sometimes they seem like it. but the truth of the matter is, events that seem to reinforce what we believe are often neutral events that only become reinforcers because of how we interpret them. if we are in the right state of mind, a person who smiles and says "hi how are you" could be (in our minds) thinking "how do you stand to come out in public when you look like that??????". it's not the statement that matters, its the filter we run it through that does.
i am a runner. i can say that now. part of me flinches when i do it because that persistent perception that hangs on to my heart like a skin tag thinks its a ridiculous statement, full of false pride and puffery. but the other part of me sees that little scab for what it is--a scab--a scar--a remnant of a lifetime of events that i was taught to interpet to fit the template of failure that i believed. i processed the information thoroughly and honed my skill very well. i have a wonderful, self deprecating sense of humor. and while i am capable of turning my ironic wit on others, i don't wish to be cruel, so i reserve most of it for myself. how ironic and illogical is that?????? but now i see that thoughts are only thoughts--and whatever reality i live is those thoughts that i choose to believe becoming concrete. its like a buffet--what thoughts will i think today. lets see--i look terrible--check--everybody makes fun of me behind my back--check--my job is awful and i hate it--check--people are rude and hateful all the time--check. now i put on what i think is my ugliest outfit, snap the head off of the co-worker who asks if that's a new blouse, drag myself miserably through my workday, scream at someone in traffic because they pulled out in front of me and give them the finger when i drive along home. way to go--i have just shaped my world to fit my definition of it. the truth of the matter may be--the blouse isn't nearly as awful as i think--and the co worker may have really liked the color and thought it looked nice on me (here's a hint--when you want to praise someones clothing tell them how BECOMING it is, rather than just say you like it) something really great might have happened at work today but i missed it because my head was too busy making me miserable. the person who cut me off maybe didn't see me because they just got bad news from the doctor, or they are worried about a sick child, or any number of things--they weren't just being rude or awful. maybe what i should have done was say a prayer for them that whatever was wrong would be all right soon. how we see ourselves and our lives is a prism that reflects back to us in an unending cycle. you can make the prism any way you want it. it's up to you--no one makes a prism and forces it on you--you make your own. it's time for me to make a new one. i am a runner.
what are you?