Thursday, January 31, 2013
I have been thinking about this for the past couple of days after reading someone's blog and the comments there. I struggle with this - am I good enough? Am I worth it? Don't get me wrong - I have a pretty good life, but I get so far with my weight loss and then I freeze. I think I am scared of succeeding. Do I deserve to be thin, fit and healthy - as I write this question - I think it's ridiculous, but maybe what I mean is - am I worth the work and the sacrifice? And then I think... of course I am worth it - why would I even doubt that...and here we are back at the beginning of the circle.
When I was thin - I thought I was fat. I thought I was fat in high school - probably weighed in at 120. I thought I was fat in university - still 120. I did gain weight around 4th year, but l still wasn't fat. Travelling in Europe - fat; Moving to Japan - definitely fat, wedding pictures - fat, fat, fat; travelling through Asia - still fat. This how I felt the whole entire time. But if I look at those photos now, I am so envious of that girl who didn't appreciate how great she looked.
Fast forward...I am fat. Yeah - for real this time. 5'6" - 240. Fat. But here's the irony - I don't think anyone notices - I didn't think anyone realised I am fat. Then one day in December, I was at my daughter's hockey game and the grandmother of another girl came up to me and told me that she wanted to talk to me. She told me that she had recently lost 60 pounds and I could do it too. She was trying to be encouraging - but I was FURIOUS. How dare she talk to me about being fat. How did she even know that I'm fat? Even though I was mad, it made me think. I told her that I wasn't ready, but she couldn't understand this - in her mind, if she could do it, so could I. Open and shut case. Clearly it's not so straightforward for me. I have some big emotional stuff to deal with when it comes to my weight.
Being here and reading all the success stories everyday (remember my fast break goals) has helped - I have read stories about all sorts of people who have done it in all sorts of different ways. I am starting to believe that I can do it too. It's a tiny part of me that believes this, but I can feel it growing. I want to be good enough. I want to commit to myself and my health - I certainly am starting to believe that I deserve it.