Thursday, January 31, 2013
"A recent article says yoga-related injuries are on the rise. It's not surprising that yoga fans are upset with this article. After all, it's easy for them to get bent out of shape." -Craig Ferguson
"A man named Peter Robbins, a 56-year-old guy, was the voice of Charlie Brown on TV. He was arrested for stalking. Apparently, Charlie Brown did not have the money to post bail. You know why? He's working for peanuts." -Jay Leno
"New York City is always striving to improve the quality of life here. Now they're taking down all of the street signs on poles in the city because of clutter. Radioactive steam ˜ not a problem. City buses disappearing into potholes ˜ not a problem. Meat vendors selling squirrel ˜ not a problem." -Dave Letterman
I arrived home to find the place ransacked. Fortunately, my niece and her husband, PJ, were with me. Grabbing a golf club out of the trunk, PJ searched the house to make sure the robber was gone. Then he looked at the club a three iron. "I should have taken the wedge," he said.
"Why?" I asked.
"Lately I've been having trouble hitting anything with my three."
*-------------- Guaranteed to Roll Your Eyes --------------*
A man went into the pet shop, "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic societies version of Treasure Island and need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.
"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."
"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."
"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back on Thursday you can have it."
"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it on Thursday. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off."