Thursday, January 31, 2013
I have not done any exercise since January 10th. During the holidays it was hit or miss. On the 17th I had my "accident" so for the next 7 days or so I was just trying to get somewhat back to normal. On Tuesday (29th) I had spiraled into a blue funk. I'd had a lot of stuff going on--the one year anniversary of my dad's death being one of them. But, I didn't think that was the total cause of my funk. I was sharing my mental state with my husband. His normal response is to nod, sympathize and leave the room. For some reason, on Tuesday he listened to me. He was quiet for a couple minutes and then he said "You need to exercise". He went in to an in depth analysis of my moods and pointed out that it's almost a sure bet if I stop exercising for a couple of weeks, I sink into a depression. He has to do exercises every day for his back and he compared that to me having to exercise for my mental health. As I looked back on the past 6 months or so I could see the direct correlation! What a revelation!! I had never seen that connection but there it was plain as day. I felt so much better just understanding this about myself. I'm still having a lot of pain in my knee so this morning I opted for a yoga session (of course, bitter cold wind may have influenced that decision also).
As I was going about my morning, I was thinking of this newfound knowledge about myself. I had a real "aha" moment. I am a "self sabotager"!! It seems the past couple of years whenever I get on "a roll" with exercise, healthy diet, and start to lose weight, I stop. It has been for any number of reasons but the fact remains that as soon as I start to feel good and lose weight, I stop the exercise, stop focusing on my diet and put the weight back on. It is a definite pattern that I could see so clearly today. Now, I had no idea that I was doing this!! Why?? I've seen interviews with overweight women who have been raped and are afraid to look good by losing the weight. I have seen the women who have been abused and are trying to hide in their weight. OK--I've had neither of these things in my life. So why will I not let myself be consistent and lose the weight? Really? Anybody else deal with this or have any ideas of why I'm doing this?? Baffling to me. At least I can see the pattern and that's a good starting place.