Nope. Nevermind. (One thing I never fail at is failing to care.)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I was going to start the Biggest Loser 30-Day Jump Start today.
I hate exercising.
I know why I hate it.. It's a nice mix of not knowing what the heck I am doing and my body hurting so bad that I just worry I am doing more damage than good.
I sure do miss the days of having a personal trainer to help me know how to do things correctly and an acupuncturist to make this dumb knee of mine function a whole lot better.
Those days are long gone.
I don't know what to do.
I mean.. what the heck do you do if you're in too much pain to do simple stretching exercises??
I am sick and tired of not doing anything to improve my health, but this sucks. My knee hurts so bad right now and I did a few stretches. Wow. Big deal.
How can I lose weight when I can barely move? Am I hurting my leg more by forcing it to do things or will it help in the end?
Who the heck am I supposed to get answers from? No one.
I guess I'll just gain another twenty pounds this year.
Or heck.. Maybe more! I have to have achievable goals, after all. I bet I could gain fifty pounds! With Hashimoto's on my side, I can conquer the world! I can get huuuuge and continue down the path of Sciatica! Yay! I can be using a cane in no time! I always thought of myself as being a bit like Dr. House anyway. Why not? I look good in blazers and tennis shoes. I could rock a cane.
Joking aside for a moment.. This was a really discouraging attempt to do something sooooo simple. I can't imagine actually going to a gym or something. Ha! Forget it.
I know negativity won't get me anywhere positive, but... uhhh.. I really don't see any positive way of looking at this. You know, aside from being cool like some character on tv in the future.. who.. in reality.. isn't real.. and is played by a guy that is much older than me and does NOT use a cane.
I could pretend it will get better. My leg will get better. My neck will get better. Everything will get better. But, of course, not on its own.
I give up really easily. REALLY easily. I also get really mad.. really easily. First I get mad... then I give up... Then I get more mad.. then I get sad.. then I get more mad... then I just go escape into some tv show or something. It's "worked" for years now.
Worked against me.
And the worst part? I am really good at telling myself it's not worth caring about. That I am not worth caring about, I guess. That it doesn't really matter. That I don't really matter. And, it never fails that I always fail at caring. I guess I don't actually try.
"Do or do not, there is no try." I agree, Yoda. I totally agree.
I wonder if Yoda is available for some personal training sessions.