Never More Scared
Thursday, January 31, 2013
I'm not sure I'm coming back right now. I wanted to come for a visit. I wanted to try to remember what I felt like, what it felt like to be on SP. I was in control of myself and it was getting pretty easy. Until I made a decision to let go and binge. It was a quick spiral, but it was slow, too. Over the course of weeks, I went from a healthy relationship to food to a slave-mind. At first I believed I could/would come back from the brink before I fell over it. But I passed that point. And it's only increasing in speed quickly---the bingeing. I see the damage I'm doing but I try not to see it. I see the pace at which I'm hurling back to a giant suit of shame.
But change is hard. And when I initially came to SP I hadn't even attempted to either diet or change my lifestyle in more than two and a half years. And I was ready. That made it easier...at least, to start.
But now I'm coming from a place of recent failure. I'm coming from a recent gain of weight, of loss of control, of deep shame over both. I'm coming from a place of callousness and indifference about my health. And I'm busy as hell. I'm starting a new life transition...that is my first foster child--my first child of any kind, is arriving on Sunday. We've had her each weekend for a couple of months, and now she's coming to live with us permanently. And I don't know how much time I'll be able to carve out to care for myself--in spite of knowing that it's important and beneficial to everyone in the house. My foster daughter is a special needs child, with some more extreme behavioral issues, and I'm not even certain I have what it takes to meet her needs, let alone mine as well.
But I know that not attempting to live well is akin to choosing a not so slow death, as well as an existence of shame and denial...and of hiding.
And I'm here because I finally scared myself enough to pause. So I'm here in a pause. It may last only a few minutes or hours. I'm just trying it out.