Thursday, January 31, 2013
I have actually spent a lot of time exercising this month. Loneliness coupled with being in a new town with no friends and my family far away. Yet I still do not feel good about myself. I feel like an imposter or a fraud. 2012 was the year of failure for me. I am not sure how to allow myself a second chance. I have always believed that people can and do change, but am having a hard time forgiving myself and the people that have hurt me along the way. I feel numb. I want to want to change. I want to want to change for me, not just cause others say I should. I want to be happy again. Happiness feels so foreign right now. And yet I should be grateful. I know others whose lives are much worse than mine, yet their happiness is much stronger. I have lived my whole life trying to please others, make others like me, and do what others wanted me to do. And in the end, I found that doing so has left me frustrated and alone. But because I focused so much on everyone else and their expectations, I truly do not know myself, nor do I know what at all I want out of life. And so I walk on the treadmill, do the elliptical, lift the weights, but I am empty and lost inside. I need to figure out who I am.