It's been a few weeks. Fear not, I haven't fallen off the wagon. Yesterday, I had the pleasure of finding out that my favorite size 10 dress fits.
Hooray! Go Me! Woohoo!
However, I wish I had found out it fit under better circumstances. See, one of my very best friends and roommates killed himself. Only 2 days before his 27th birthday, he got drunk and jumped off a bridge, making a decision that he can't live to regret. Sadly for me, my husband, and just about everyone we know -- he left us all here to regret it for him.
Nothing ever in my life has hurt so much. He may have not been my blood, but he was nothing short of a brother to me. He completed our tripod -- myself, my husband, and him. On our wedding day we joked that I really had married the both of them. Today, I feel like I lost an arm. Nothing compares to the emptiness and guilt that fills my heart. I can only hope that he found the peace that did not come to him in this life. I hope he knew how much I loved him and that I will miss him every single minute of every single day.
So yeah, I've lost weight. I've become a gym rat to deal with my pain. When drinking heavily didn't bring me sleep, I tried pills. When those didn't bring me sleep, I tried pot. Still nothing. So I hit the gym and ran 5 miles. That certainly seemed to do it. Break down my body enough and my brain has but no choice to comply and shut the hell up for awhile.
I don't know why I feel compelled to share this with complete strangers. Maybe it will make you think. Tell your friends and loved ones that you love them -- no matter how often you talk. They deserve to know. My buddy felt like no one cared. Sadly, he can't be here to see all the people that have rallied because he touched their lives in one way or another.
If you are ever feeling sad or alone, reach out to someone. Anyone. I promise there is someone out there that cares enough. That wants to see you live.
But maybe that's why he didn't reach out to anyone. Maybe he didn't want to be stopped. I suppose I'll never know or understand. Only he could. And I have to live with it.
May God only every grant you as much pain as you can handle. I am broken.