Thursday, January 31, 2013
Things have been on a downward spiral for a few weeks and I've been trying to deal with it, but I thought if I wrote some of this down in an organized way it might help me work through things.
First, I found out last Tuesday that my dad has bladder cancer. He's had a couple of other bouts with cancer over the years, but this may be "the one". He is 85 and his options are limited because he's maxed out on radiation and he also is having kidney problems. It sounds selfish, but this is about the worst possible time for me to get away because I have a lot of classes to do at the beginning of the semester and I am also a manager and have to do annual evaluations and those take a lot of time. So, I feel extremely guilty that I can't rush there (it's about 2.5 hours away) and be more support. My only sibling is a little older and she is mentally ill, so she is understandably no help at all and in fact makes everything worse because when she's not the center of attention she falls apart and adds to my mom's stress.
Secondly, my Medifast buddy (whom I have blogged about before) was offered a great job in Connecticut, so she is leaving at the end of February. She is a great friend and also my co-manager at work, so we are really close and are each others cheerleader. I am going to miss her so much. Plus, I don't know what this means for me work-wise -- whether I'll be managing everybody by myself or getting a new co-manager. Oh, and my boss is on research leave until the end of August and so I have a new temporary one who has no experience at all. I'm still trying to figure out his style.
Unfortunately, my mental state has translated into some neglect of my physical state. I still try to walk as much as possible, but the 12,000 steps per day goal has taken a hiatus for the last couple of weeks. I'm not even going to bring up tracking... oops, too late! It's weird because so many of the things I'm upset about are out of my control and the one thing that is in my control -- the way I treat my body -- I'm abdicating control. What is up with that?! (Ooh, something to ponder!)
Maybe I shouldn't have written this down -- I'm afraid it sounds like I'm having a pity party, but I'm trying not to. I just have a lot of things I need to work out.