So this morning the door bell rang. I was dressed for the day, had brushed my hair out, but hadn't put it up as I normally wear it, and had no make up on- so I thought, oh great, wonder who this could be. I sure didn't feel like being seen or having any long drawn out conversations with anyone. I answered to find a fedex driver with a package that needed to be signed for. As he handed me the stylus and pad to sign on, he asks, "you are over 18, right?"
Well, being that I am 35!... I answered, "yeah" and kinda gave him one of those -have you had your eyes checked lately- looks. He replied, "Well, you look like your 18." So I thanked him for the compliment and signed for the package, which he handed over and went on his way.
I closed the door smiling- on the inside at least. My boyfriend and I had an argument last night and he slept in the living room. I didn't want to make that big of a deal over it, because I sure didn't want something else to cause tension- there's enough of that around here right now as it is. It sure feels good to get a compliment like that every once n a while... especially when you haven't heard anything like that from the one you hope to hear it from in so long.
After that I went ahead and pulled back my hair and put on my make up... and as I was looking in the mirror I wondered how he saw a teenager. My complexion does seem a little better... was it from drinking so much water every day? Maybe it was because my hair was down instead of up? Maybe it was the 'i dont give a crap attitude' that was written all over my face because of what was dealing with internally that seemed so teenage-ish...
lol. Then my worst critic self
raises its ugly head and tells me that it's probably the acne or the acne scars on my face that made him think that- because this problem is usually associated with teens. So instead of a compliment that made me feel good, it started turning into something else that made me feel bad about myself and the way I look. Man, this happens every time!
It's like some part of me is afraid to feel good about myself... afraid that I'll take something as a compliment that wasn't meant to be one and I'll look stupid for believing that I actually got a compliment- as if I don't deserve to receive one. In fact, I'm wondering if that;s part of the reason I found it so difficult to smile at him in appreciation when he said that to me.
I have been working very hard all week to make good food choices, to drink plenty of water, and to exercise... and I have been doing very well at it.
I don't want these negative thoughts taking over again and ruining what I am working for. So I stopped allowing those thoughts to go on. Well, I still had the thought- but I decided not to feed it. I'm choosing to take it as a compliment, because it makes me feel good and I can use it as motivation to stay on track. I need to practice doing this and keeping my mind healthy as well, otherwise I won't succeed. I know I am prone to depression and a positive mind-set is what I need to work on... it's what I AM working on. I only regret that I didn't smile or show some evidence of having feelings or a personality of any kind when this person was at my door. Who knows what he thought... or if he even gave it another thought. I just hope I didn't put a damper on his day.
I will get better at this, it's all a work in progress.