Well!! It's the end of January and what an insane month it has been. I can't say I'm sad to see it go however. Life has been really difficult the past few weeks, i've done more talking about my feelings than I ever have. My relationship is at the top of those things as well. I've been struggling to figure out what I want, and realized I have lost my sense of self somewhere along the way. BF and I have been together for a year and a half, living together for almost 10 months. Suddently I felt like the love was gone. I felt anxious, sad, depressed, stuck, trapped, lonely, smothered and probably many more emotions I don't want to drag up with now.
I've been the luckiest girl in the world because the man I am questioning has been helping me through this rough time. Everything I have felt or thought, he knows about. He wants to know what I'm thinking and really help me figure out WHY I am having certain feelings. I've cried so much more than I've ever wanted to and finally I have had a day and a half of being stable. I've reached out to my best friend, my parents and have taken the first step to talk to a councilor.
Hopefully my feelings return with a surge of such ferocity I can't help but be 100% positive they are right. My hope is that they will happen for him. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life. And I want to do everything I can, exhaust every resource, try anything to make us work. As does he.
So YEAH! Although my mind is wore as thin as ever, my heart is breaking and bending, my anxiety is affecting my body- I still am doing things right for ME. I have signed up for a half marathon and begun the training for it on May 19th. I have missed one run out of 9, and if I do I try to make it up somewhere. It's intense! I am running 4 days a week. And try to get some cross training in at least one day in there.
I am LOVING being back on weight watchers. The points just DO IT for me! My mind goes crazy with calories and I tend to not be as strict with that. Weight watchers is very cut and dry, I love that. I don't pay them to follow the system, don't go to meetings or pay to use their website. I have the books, I figured out my allowed points per day and just go with it! I also am following the old system, hopefully to transition to the new one soon. It's hard when every bit of food has points written on it from me! haha.
Stepping info February I AM a bit nervous- I have events going on every weekend except one, plus something the first weekend in March. The one open weekend was going to be a Valentines Day surprise getaway form BF, but I told him to cancel it as I don't want the pressure of it looming over us in this rough time. Breaks my heart.
February is going to be tough to keep my running schedule. But really, if I'm going to tackle 13.1 miles, I really need to be prepared for it. I KNOW I'm going to be hurting already, I need to make it easier on myself. After that goal is accomplished... maybe more half's! Or really kicking up my 5K/10K times! I've really made fitness (esp. running) a huge part of my life, it's become one of my main hobbies! Now I just want to have other hobbies to tackle when I'm home after those runs :) Design, scraphbooking, and crafting have been the frontrunners for that. It's hard to maintain my own life and persona in a relationship, and I'm struggling to find the middle ground for that. I love my alone time, but I want him to feel wanted. I feel that form him so much, I know he needs reassurance. But we're working through things and I honest to god hope that things work out and we can be happy together for as long as we live!
Everyone have a great Thursday!! We've got a fresh 8" of snow up here in Green Bay- I FUGGIN LOVE IT!! I also planned the VERY much anticipated, much needed snowboarding day. One of my good friends has off on Wednesdays and is going to go with me sometime in February. You guys- my happy spot is on a ski lift when it's sunny, mild and (yeah make a gross face) smoking a cig. God I Love ski hills!