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Emotionally hard January, lost 15lbs though! Hopefully Feb brings Joy and contentment.

Thursday, January 31, 2013

Well!! It's the end of January and what an insane month it has been. I can't say I'm sad to see it go however. Life has been really difficult the past few weeks, i've done more talking about my feelings than I ever have. My relationship is at the top of those things as well. I've been struggling to figure out what I want, and realized I have lost my sense of self somewhere along the way. BF and I have been together for a year and a half, living together for almost 10 months. Suddently I felt like the love was gone. I felt anxious, sad, depressed, stuck, trapped, lonely, smothered and probably many more emotions I don't want to drag up with now.

I've been the luckiest girl in the world because the man I am questioning has been helping me through this rough time. Everything I have felt or thought, he knows about. He wants to know what I'm thinking and really help me figure out WHY I am having certain feelings. I've cried so much more than I've ever wanted to and finally I have had a day and a half of being stable. I've reached out to my best friend, my parents and have taken the first step to talk to a councilor.

Hopefully my feelings return with a surge of such ferocity I can't help but be 100% positive they are right. My hope is that they will happen for him. I couldn't ask for a better man in my life. And I want to do everything I can, exhaust every resource, try anything to make us work. As does he.

So YEAH! Although my mind is wore as thin as ever, my heart is breaking and bending, my anxiety is affecting my body- I still am doing things right for ME. I have signed up for a half marathon and begun the training for it on May 19th. I have missed one run out of 9, and if I do I try to make it up somewhere. It's intense! I am running 4 days a week. And try to get some cross training in at least one day in there.


I am LOVING being back on weight watchers. The points just DO IT for me! My mind goes crazy with calories and I tend to not be as strict with that. Weight watchers is very cut and dry, I love that. I don't pay them to follow the system, don't go to meetings or pay to use their website. I have the books, I figured out my allowed points per day and just go with it! I also am following the old system, hopefully to transition to the new one soon. It's hard when every bit of food has points written on it from me! haha.

Stepping info February I AM a bit nervous- I have events going on every weekend except one, plus something the first weekend in March. The one open weekend was going to be a Valentines Day surprise getaway form BF, but I told him to cancel it as I don't want the pressure of it looming over us in this rough time. Breaks my heart.

February is going to be tough to keep my running schedule. But really, if I'm going to tackle 13.1 miles, I really need to be prepared for it. I KNOW I'm going to be hurting already, I need to make it easier on myself. After that goal is accomplished... maybe more half's! Or really kicking up my 5K/10K times! I've really made fitness (esp. running) a huge part of my life, it's become one of my main hobbies! Now I just want to have other hobbies to tackle when I'm home after those runs :) Design, scraphbooking, and crafting have been the frontrunners for that. It's hard to maintain my own life and persona in a relationship, and I'm struggling to find the middle ground for that. I love my alone time, but I want him to feel wanted. I feel that form him so much, I know he needs reassurance. But we're working through things and I honest to god hope that things work out and we can be happy together for as long as we live!

Everyone have a great Thursday!! We've got a fresh 8" of snow up here in Green Bay- I FUGGIN LOVE IT!! I also planned the VERY much anticipated, much needed snowboarding day. One of my good friends has off on Wednesdays and is going to go with me sometime in February. You guys- my happy spot is on a ski lift when it's sunny, mild and (yeah make a gross face) smoking a cig. God I Love ski hills!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, you just described what i've been feeling 100%.I can relate to you and your feelings of losing self and feeling lost even though we have amazing men by our side. I also have been seeing my man for 2 years and been living together for just under a year.I feel like i was going through so many life transitions and feel very overwhelmed by so many emotions and changes. Before this, I left my ex of 5 years because I wasn't happy and knew it wasn't for me, because of that I experienced alot of unfinished emotional business that has surfaced and continues to all at once. I too have been suffering from anxiety & depression and am feeling that I am very much alone at times as I also realize that I was very emotionally damaged from my past relationship and continue to struggle to feel "back to normal". I've seen a therapist too and it does really help to talk it out with someone outside of the situation. I wish I could offer some positive words but I am experiencing the same thing. Just know that you are not alone.

    Congrats on the Weight Watchers success though! its excellent you have found something that works for you! keep up the good work!

    1872 days ago
    I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a rough patch in your relationship. Many couples experience this once the initial "wow" factor wears off, but it is possible to rekindle that flame and find the happiness you once had if both parties are willing to work on it. I hope that everything works out for you and that you'll find your happy place together again.

    I hope February is an all-around successful month for you and that you find the joy and contentment you're looking for.
    1872 days ago
    Hmm I was just gonna ask about your cig habit.. I have been bad as well.. its a total crutch.. Im scared I will start to binge again if I quit.. I only smoke at night, after my son has gone to bed.. but I still feel really guilty considering I'm trying to get a better 5k time.. It's really strange how we have a lot of the same non-weight related issues going on.. I actually just started anxiety medication (only tried it once since I'm having too much anxiety about taking it..) and I get to see my counselor for the first time in march! Hope you find the clarity you seek! Keep you're head up and keep on running!!!!
    1874 days ago
    1874 days ago
    Definitely not going to offer up advice as I'm certainly not the one walking in your shoes. But I just wanted to say I hope this turns out in what ever way is most beneficial to you emotionally and mentally. That's not always the same outcome for all of us. You'll be in my thoughts. Hope you have a great weekend and that is awesome running news!
    1875 days ago
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