Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I am feeling so overwhelmed right now. Just like a million different thoughts are buzzing around my head & I can't seem to focus. My stress is on high & I really just want to scream & shake it all off.
I have a huge focus problem. I feel like I have just been slipping down a mountain my whole life, grasping for something solid but not finding it.
I keep trying to get healthy, lose weight, exercise, get my life together and it feels like I just keep letting it slip through my fingers. I give up. idk why, I want it so badly. It is hard, ofcourse but it isn't too hard. I just feel so overwhelmed. I try to do it right, no perfectly, even though I know it can't be perfect. I just am afraid of failing. But how much sense does that make? To fail before you can fail...then you still fail. idk....
I worry about my diet. I try to eat healthy. But I worry about eating the right amount of calories, the right amount of carbs. I worry about not eating enough and then eating too much. Worry about eating the same thing everyday. Afraid I am not eating enough veggies, enough protein, too many carbs still, just not having balance. There is just so much thoughts and different ways to go about it and I just go into panic mode.
I worry about exercise. I want to be active. I want to run. But I worry that I am not doing things properly & will injure myself. Plus it hurts alot. My muscles fight with me every single step of the way & idk if this is ok, normal, bad & what to do about it??? I walk and I just want to collapse into a ball of pain. I don't understand. And it is not just after one walk, I am talking about doing it for weeks and weeks and still it is hard.
I watch shows like the biggest loser & read forums & it seems like it is so so so much easier for everyone else. On the biggest loser they were like 3 weeks in and ran a marathon, people who weigh more then me...I can't even run at all. I know it is a tv show & they have been working out a ton but it is the same on forums too where someone will come & like I started my diet today and ran... wth! I just feel like it seems so much easier for everyone else. Again I feel discouraged & I panic with if I am doing things right.
Then I am stressed because my marriage is just difficult. We have no money & it is stressful & difficult. My husband is stressed & taking it out on me alot. I feel like I have no freedom, like he suffocates me. It is just all too much.
I just wish it was easier. I will just keep pushing forward but I am scared. I feel so alone & lost. I know tomorrow will come and my focus will blur & I will have to fight to stay on track & fight to not panic & fight to just keep breathing. It doesn't feel fair.
I just want to find my footing. I am willing to climb my mountain and put in the work. I just don't want to have a path I guess. Not to feel like I am stumbling lost in the dark going in circles.