Wednesday, January 30, 2013
After re-reading my last blog I am grateful that my Sparkfriends have ditched me for being slightly insane. Kinda scary.....
I think I have finally figured out at least part of what was bothering me after the nutritionist apt. on Monday. Since I have been 15 I have spent a greet deal of effort hiding my eating habits, my eating in general, and some of the habits I do so that no one knows I am overeating. That is 27 years of making sure no one knows or suspects what I am really doing. The outward signs were there for everyone to see--weight gain-- yet I tried so hard to keep the secrets of how much and what kinds of foods secret.
At the appointment the other day, the dietitian was able to get me to open up about these secrets and tell her what's been going on in my life and how screwed up my relationship with food is. It took me a few days to come to these revelations. I needed to process what happened: that I shared some of my secrets. That left a hole in me where I had stuffed that information, and many bags of chips for years. That’s what was prompting the weird reactions from me the other night. I had a gaping hole in me that I didn’t know what to fill it with. It has taken me a few days, but I needed to admit to the things I have been doing. I had to say them out loud and name them. Own them. If I can’t admit I have these habits, how can I get rid of them?
Some of the habits I have that I am admitting to at this time:
• Hiding containers of chips in my bedroom as a teenager
• Buying a bigger purse to smuggle said chips to my room
• Shopping several stores on one day to pick up additional bags of chips so I didn’t look like a pig getting them all at one store
• In the past, I have starved myself and lost a lot of weight
• I have restaurant hopped for dinner, having several before I was “done”
• Knowingly taking a food that is ok in moderation and gorging myself on it because ”it is healthy”
The secrets are on their way to being gone. I never realized how much effort I put into holding on to them. I am starting to feel some of that weight being lifted off my shoulders. It has taken me a few days to work all of this out and now I can put in place some of the tools the nutritionist suggested to help me. I know there are more secrets and that this isn’t a “cure” from this, it is just step one. At least now I have an idea where to look when these feelings come crashing down on me again.
Thanks to everyone for your comments on my previous blog. Just knowing my SparkFriends were there for support helped to make this mental tumult so much better!