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Secrets and Lies or Really, I Haven't Gone Insane

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

After re-reading my last blog I am grateful that my Sparkfriends have ditched me for being slightly insane. Kinda scary.....

I think I have finally figured out at least part of what was bothering me after the nutritionist apt. on Monday. Since I have been 15 I have spent a greet deal of effort hiding my eating habits, my eating in general, and some of the habits I do so that no one knows I am overeating. That is 27 years of making sure no one knows or suspects what I am really doing. The outward signs were there for everyone to see--weight gain-- yet I tried so hard to keep the secrets of how much and what kinds of foods secret.

At the appointment the other day, the dietitian was able to get me to open up about these secrets and tell her what's been going on in my life and how screwed up my relationship with food is. It took me a few days to come to these revelations. I needed to process what happened: that I shared some of my secrets. That left a hole in me where I had stuffed that information, and many bags of chips for years. That’s what was prompting the weird reactions from me the other night. I had a gaping hole in me that I didn’t know what to fill it with. It has taken me a few days, but I needed to admit to the things I have been doing. I had to say them out loud and name them. Own them. If I can’t admit I have these habits, how can I get rid of them?

Some of the habits I have that I am admitting to at this time:
• Hiding containers of chips in my bedroom as a teenager
• Buying a bigger purse to smuggle said chips to my room
• Shopping several stores on one day to pick up additional bags of chips so I didn’t look like a pig getting them all at one store
• In the past, I have starved myself and lost a lot of weight
• I have restaurant hopped for dinner, having several before I was “done”
• Knowingly taking a food that is ok in moderation and gorging myself on it because ”it is healthy”

The secrets are on their way to being gone. I never realized how much effort I put into holding on to them. I am starting to feel some of that weight being lifted off my shoulders. It has taken me a few days to work all of this out and now I can put in place some of the tools the nutritionist suggested to help me. I know there are more secrets and that this isn’t a “cure” from this, it is just step one. At least now I have an idea where to look when these feelings come crashing down on me again.

Thanks to everyone for your comments on my previous blog. Just knowing my SparkFriends were there for support helped to make this mental tumult so much better!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Glad to see you are finally getting some help with this.
    The first step to getting better is to admit we're sick.
    Then, we can begin to heal and move on.
    In the last years,this site and the binge eating team i'm on, has been the biggest help in working through my binge eating issues.
    We are not alone.
    You are not alone.
    When I was a teenager, I stole money to buy junk food. And I hid food also.
    The shame of it had been with me a long time,but now I deal with it.
    And when I binge(I still do), I blog about it,and when I stop, I move on.
    It's a process. A journey.
    The hardest step is to start, and now that you've done that, you are on your way to wellness.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    1868 days ago
  • KELPIE57
    How brave of you! And I'm sure that you will inspire others to face their fears too, and once you face them, they are easi emoticon emoticon emoticon er to deal with.
    1873 days ago
    Wow! You have a lot to be proud of.....the "confession" to yourself, naming, writing and telling us...what a huge step!! As you said, you feel the weight off your shoulders and you are lighter and freer for it. emoticon Onward to the next thing.
    1873 days ago

    Trust me, every overweight person alive has their "dirty little food secrets". Becoming aware of your habits and triggers are one of the first and best steps to replacing them with better habits. Take 1 choice at a time and pretty soon you'll have a string of positive choices.

    You're doing great, keep going!

    Karen emoticon
    1874 days ago
    It is a process....just like everything else that we try to do step at a time and the first step is finding out what the next step is. I am amazed and proud of you for the work that you have been doing these past few days. I know it could not have been easy and obviously you know that the next steps won't always be easy either but you are prepared to face it. Because of that I am sure you will make progress. Thank you for sharing this struggle with the rest of may never know how many others you will be helping along the way.
    1874 days ago
    Great job on the self discovery. You're not alone in this. Keep on sparking for some really great friends and support.
    1874 days ago
    Shine a light on the secrets and they are exposed. Come into the light!

    1874 days ago
    Linda -- I would never abandon you! We are all here because we all have issues with weight, etc. I think you have come a long way in a few days! This is a journey of discovery and I know your dietitian would be happy with your progress!!

    Way to go!!

    1874 days ago
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