Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Well, Week 1 of P90X is in the books. Gee whiz, it's great to be back. :)
I think I have learned something important about myself over these past few months. When I am unhappy and upset about things in my personal life, I lose motivation. Not only do I lose motivation, but I start to engage in some self-destructive behaviors... which I realize is kind of like my inner six-year-old saying FU to responsibility out of... I don't know. Spite? Self-pity? Self-hatred?
Anyway - these last few months have been sort of rough. Yes, I was sick. Yes, I had surgery. Yes, I had some crazy-bad things happen. But there was way more going on than that, emotionally (and I'm still not out of the woods, necessarily), and I reacted really poorly. I ate things I shouldn't have; I drank more than I should have (not proud of this); I engaged in behaviors that I know are bad for me (don't ask me to go into specifics - I'm frankly embarrassed).
And, so, my body did not react well. I started to feel even worse. I got sicker - with a 105 degree fever and everything, which hasn't happened to me since I'm a kid. Had my first bad asthma attack in over a year. I put on pounds. My normally low blood pressure went up. My gloriously low RHR followed suit. In fact, sometimes, I felt my heart racing and a tightness in my chest that made me wonder if I wasn't on the verge of something REAL bad.
And the real kick in the teeth was that the crappier I felt physically, the crappier I felt emotionally... which made me sink further into self-pity and self-loathing and self-FU and basically fueled more unhealthy behavior.
Downward spiral down the toilet, yo.
I'm not sure what exactly clicked inside me. I don't think it was anything specific, like a big epiphany or anything... just a slow realization that being unhappy was having an adverse affect on me completely across the board. I started looking at pictures of myself from over the summer - when I felt the best I'd ever felt in my entire life - and I thought to myself: "THAT. I want THAT again."
And you know, as soon as I started pushing away the bad behaviors (even as I was desiring them), my outlook started to get better. I started to feel better... and I began to toy with the idea of chasing some of the bliss I'd been kicking around in my brain. I started going salsa dancing again, which makes me feel vital and alive. I may even take up bellydance again, for the same reason. I cut back on drinking... I re-quit smoking (yeah, like I said - not proud that I started again...).
It didn't take me long to start feeling better. In fact, I was shocked at how quickly my body responded. I am certainly not back to where I used to be; this first week back to P90X has been extremely challenging. But man, do I feel good.
So - a correlation between emotional well-being and physical well-being. Going forward, I absolutely need to make sure I am addressing my emotional needs so that I do not let myself start "circling the bowl" again.
Healthy coping mechanisms, FTW.
Speaking of which - tonight is salsa night. Gonna go get my caliente groove on. :)