Wednesday, January 30, 2013
I am in the middle of day 31 of consistent lifestyle changes and SP. I am very proud of myself most of the time, and I know that I am more committed to this than I have been in the past, but last night I was ready to throw in the towel.
It was a long day at work, everyone seemed grumpy and that definitely rubbed off on me. My patience level was really low and I just wanted to go home and not be around people at the end of the day. I wasn't really thinking about food so much, but I did not want to go to the gym. But I pushed myself and I went. I did thirty minutes on the treadmill and then some ab exercises, but I have to admit that I was miserable.
I weighed myself after the treadmill and had gained back two pounds that I had lost. This early in this process, I know that the scale is just one way to judge progress, but it does still matter to me. I wish it didn't. I was so bummed. I don't know what I did wrong. I worked out, I was eating healthy, no cheating and no binging. These are big things for me. I am drinking water like it might disappear tomorrow. So, what happened. My only thought is that I'm maybe not eating enough? I'm always under my calorie target, but I feel like I'm eating all the time, where would I get time to eat more?
So after the scale and I fought, I went to try some core muscle exercises. I watched a video on SP and tried some very simple things with the ball, to support my back, and I felt like a beached whale. I was paying attention to the mirror so I knew if I was holding my position right, and every where around me are people who are doing so many more advanced things, and I'm judging myself through their eyes. It was terrible. I finished what I could and then left.
I got home and baked some sweet potato fries, but all I wanted to do was go to bed and have a good cry. I just wasn't able to see the future holding anything but more of the same, and if I work so hard and gain weight, what can I expect to do in the future. It was not a good night. I was disappointed in myself, in my body and in my attitude. My hope is that I was more depressed than usual because of PMSD or whatever that is, but my fear is that there is no reason for me to be feeling this way.
Normally I wouldn't share any of my depressed self thoughts, but I think it is probably healthier to share them than to keep them to myself. Deep down I know that I can lose this weight, but the feeling of being so fat that I had at the gym were so strong and painful. I wish I could go away to the biggest loser ranch, not be on national television, but then be able to come home with all the embarrassing and hardest of the work done. I just feel like I'm still making the same "dieting" mistakes I've made in the past and that must be why I gained. But I really haven't cheated. I haven't hidden any candy around the apartment, I am not even eating the peppermints in my office that I keep for my students.
At the same time, I know I can do more at the gym. I know that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I know that working my core muscles is good for my back problems, but I am also scared to push myself too far. Today is just a day of concern, questioning and trying to find my motivation again. Plus the weather is crappy. We are closing schools everywhere early and I don't want to be stuck at the gym when the roads start to ice over. I am going to go home I think and do the core muscle exercises at home.
In conclusion, I'm just kind of stuck. What do I do next? Will I really ever be able to say I'm at a healthy weight? So frustrating.