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First major hurdle...

Wednesday, January 30, 2013

I am in the middle of day 31 of consistent lifestyle changes and SP. I am very proud of myself most of the time, and I know that I am more committed to this than I have been in the past, but last night I was ready to throw in the towel.

It was a long day at work, everyone seemed grumpy and that definitely rubbed off on me. My patience level was really low and I just wanted to go home and not be around people at the end of the day. I wasn't really thinking about food so much, but I did not want to go to the gym. But I pushed myself and I went. I did thirty minutes on the treadmill and then some ab exercises, but I have to admit that I was miserable.

I weighed myself after the treadmill and had gained back two pounds that I had lost. This early in this process, I know that the scale is just one way to judge progress, but it does still matter to me. I wish it didn't. I was so bummed. I don't know what I did wrong. I worked out, I was eating healthy, no cheating and no binging. These are big things for me. I am drinking water like it might disappear tomorrow. So, what happened. My only thought is that I'm maybe not eating enough? I'm always under my calorie target, but I feel like I'm eating all the time, where would I get time to eat more?

So after the scale and I fought, I went to try some core muscle exercises. I watched a video on SP and tried some very simple things with the ball, to support my back, and I felt like a beached whale. I was paying attention to the mirror so I knew if I was holding my position right, and every where around me are people who are doing so many more advanced things, and I'm judging myself through their eyes. It was terrible. I finished what I could and then left.

I got home and baked some sweet potato fries, but all I wanted to do was go to bed and have a good cry. I just wasn't able to see the future holding anything but more of the same, and if I work so hard and gain weight, what can I expect to do in the future. It was not a good night. I was disappointed in myself, in my body and in my attitude. My hope is that I was more depressed than usual because of PMSD or whatever that is, but my fear is that there is no reason for me to be feeling this way.

Normally I wouldn't share any of my depressed self thoughts, but I think it is probably healthier to share them than to keep them to myself. Deep down I know that I can lose this weight, but the feeling of being so fat that I had at the gym were so strong and painful. I wish I could go away to the biggest loser ranch, not be on national television, but then be able to come home with all the embarrassing and hardest of the work done. I just feel like I'm still making the same "dieting" mistakes I've made in the past and that must be why I gained. But I really haven't cheated. I haven't hidden any candy around the apartment, I am not even eating the peppermints in my office that I keep for my students.

At the same time, I know I can do more at the gym. I know that I am stronger than I give myself credit for, and I know that working my core muscles is good for my back problems, but I am also scared to push myself too far. Today is just a day of concern, questioning and trying to find my motivation again. Plus the weather is crappy. We are closing schools everywhere early and I don't want to be stuck at the gym when the roads start to ice over. I am going to go home I think and do the core muscle exercises at home.

In conclusion, I'm just kind of stuck. What do I do next? Will I really ever be able to say I'm at a healthy weight? So frustrating.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post

    Hang in there. I agree with GLITTERFAIRY who reminds us that the scale does fluctuate, and sometimes it fluctuates quite a bit.

    Celebrate what you've done well today and just keep pushing.

    Take care of yourself!
    1872 days ago
    I second Glitter's comments. But I understand being depressed and getting down on yourself. I congratulate you for being brave enough to put your feelings out there. That can really be a tough thing to do. And try not to look at yourself as you think others see you. I have trouble with that too.

    Keep up the great work and you'll do wonderfully. We are all here to help!! emoticon emoticon
    1872 days ago
    Oh, please don't be so sad!!! I weighed 281 in the morning, and then yesterday, I was 287.5 at the end of the day. THERE IS NO WAY I ate that much, as I have been tracking, and I've been EXERCISING! So I totally understand your frustration. I really do. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep doing the right thing. It will catch up with us.
    1872 days ago
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