Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Well, here I am awake all night (again). My energy is so off, I sleep on the way to work and on the way home, fall asleep as soon as I sit down after supper, then I'm awake all night. I suspect my meds are off again/still - I should find out today.
All this awake time led me to shuffle and draw from my "Self-Care Cards". This is just the fourth time I use them, and two of the other three times I drew the "Dream" card. Well, tonight I drew the "Peace" card, which reads: "Embrace your confusion. Let there be peace in not knowing all the answers."
That brought me to think of the serenity prayer
"God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;,
courage to change the things I can,
and wisdom to know the difference."
Now, I'm usually pretty good at being able to know the difference; I've had a lot of guidance and a lot of experience. I've always been proud of that, and proud that I've been able to translate those difficult experiences into helping others.
I'm realizing that in this particular instance, though, I have not got a clear vision of what I can and can not change. I am six years after thyroid cancer, two years after breast cancer, and my energy and so the things I can do are just no where near where I want them to be. Last week, a friend who had the same type of breast cancer that I did passed away, the cancer having spread into her bones. It hit close to home, it's still a very real risk for me, as the type of cancer we had has only a 50% survival rate past five years.
So is are my lower energy levels and my inability to do much of anything on a consistent basis, are those things that I have to accept? Something I can improve? If I push myself too hard, am I opening myself up to further problems? I just don't know, and my oncologists are not very helpful on that front. I'll tackle it again with him today, as the one I'm seeing today is much more aware and conversant in these things.
So, this is me, embracing the confusion, and seeking peace in not knowing all the answers! Is it "peace" if I'm still asking questions???