Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Is ventings even a word? I am a writer and a copy editor. Pre-baby I would have known this, or at least looked it up. And I wouldn't question myself if it's "copy editor" or "copyeditor" which I always did forget.
My baby is 20 weeks old. Just shy of 5 months. He sleeps like a newborn. Up almost constantly. My limbs feel like they are on fire I am so tired. I made a special appointment with the pediatrician for advice. Tried it all. That doesn't work either. Against my better judgement I introduced solid foods - "it'll help him sleep through the night" 'they' say. (I had wanted to exclusively breastfeed for six months, per AAP and WHO guidelines.) We have a solid nighttime routine. We have supplemented with daddy giving him a bottle of breastmilk as his meal before bed. Same result. He's up 2 or 3 hours later, no matter what. And wants to be fed!
He is a delightful, joyful little boy. All smiles, lots of laughing. Incredibly physical - started rolling over back-to-belly at 10 weeks and has got a mean yoga "downward dog" position (that is his way of trying to crawl, but he gets stuck, understandably so.) So he's not cranky from lack of sleep (mommy is!). He just doesn't sleep long stretches at night. He goes to bed without a fight, wakes up to eat, goes back to sleep and the cycle continues. In the morning he coos at me to wake me up.
My limbs are on fire. I am forgetful. At times I am downright nasty. I haven't cooked a meal in weeks. I still have a maid service come and clean my house every 2 weeks, despite the fact that I am home most of the time. (I do not share that with people in my real life, I am so embarrassed.) I struggle to keep my empathy toward others. I'm jealous of friends' whose babies sleep through the night. I don't have the energy to exercise - yet exercise makes me feel better. What a Catch-22.
I went back to work last week, part time. Thank God. I can barely survive day to day working just 10 hours a week, there is no way I could survive full time.
During the day I am getting nothing accomplished. At least if I feel like crud, I had been able to keep up with the house - it would make me feel better that things are in their place. Now the baby is clingy and crying during the day and wants to be held through a nap. Thank you, mother-in-law, for introducing that bad habit in the one week she's watched him. Now nightime and daytime are both unproductive.
I absolutely adore this little boy more than words can say. I don't like when people complain on social networks about their kids - won't the kids see it one day? People who have babies who slept through the night at 6 weeks, 2 months, 3 months, even 4 months just don't understand. I am going on five months. This is a special type of torture. His doctor can't help. My friends don't understand. My mom and hubby's mom are not helpful. In fact, they grate on my last nerve at times. No, mom, he's not starving and it's not because I'm breastfeeding. He has fat rolls and is in the 66% for weight. He's fine. No, MIL, it's not because he hasn't had cereal. In fact, after we introduced cereal he was up every 2 hours instead of 3!
I completely lost my train of thought in this ramble.
I never share my real name on Spark, so I feel like I can vent without anyone knowing exactly who I am venting about. I would never share this on FB. Two Spark friends know my real name, so when Tabby and Bombchell read this just forget you know who I am for a second. lol.