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    KERRYMONIQUE   23,390
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Feeling depleted & defeated.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013

One of the most difficult things about my health problems is the fatigue. The pain is hard to deal with, but the fatigue... well, the fatigue makes me depressed. For a long time I could overcome the pain; I could push through it. That behaviour eventually took a toll on my health, but at least I got things done.

Right now I'm so limited in what I'm capable of doing, it's kind of like I'm back to all work and no play. Keeping up with basic household tasks from dishes, to scooping kitty litter, to daily needs of showering or laundry, it's ALL I can do. Now don't get me wrong, if I had kids and I was a stay at home mom, then I'd be okay with it. I think there is a lot to be proud of when you stay at home with your kids. It makes a difference in their lives. On the other hand, it doesn't make much of a difference to my cats.

I'm just not this type of person. I want to be working, making a difference somewhere in the world. Putting up dishes for the millionth time just doesn't do it for me. And what's sad is that it's usually too much for me. So I'm sitting here trying to muster up enough energy to do crap I hate & gives me next to no satisfaction. This doesn't help my mentality at all.

I know you're supposed to be okay with limitations, you're still doing something, things are supposed to get better, blah blah blah. I don't want to hear any of that because it doesn't work - it doesn't make me feel any better. The bottom line is I'm just not this kind of person. I'm not happy being at home watching TV all day, regardless of circumstances. I hate it.

I'm trying to lose weight so I feel better, or my doctors will be able to look at my case without being blinded by my weight. I'm doing everything I can; nevertheless, there are still days that suck. Today is one of them.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

APPLEPIEDREAMS 2/12/2013 11:17AM

    I understand fatigue. At my worst, I would sleep 10 hours, get up long enough to drink some juice, go back to sleep for 4 hours, get up to go to the bathroom (which was actually quite the process because I was in so much pain), and then back to sleep. There were nights I slept on the bathroom floor because the whole thing was so overwhelming.

I'm sorry you are going through this. It is so hard. My fatigue went away when I got diagnosed and treated. I hope you get there soon.

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LUCYJOY 1/30/2013 1:44PM

    I've been going nuts just being laid up for a week with a foot injury. I've spent the last year dragging myself through the simple motions of life find dishes etc too hard, though mine was grief induced and not physical it is difficult to explain to people how exhausting and meaningless this feels.

Ever try working from home? Might check into virtual assistant work. It is something that can be done very part time or full time without leaving your desk. Might make you feel more useful.

I've been writing. Not sure I'll ever do anything with it, though my friend says it's good.

I hope tomorrow is a better day. You are certainly not the way you feel today.

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SWEETCITYWOMAN 1/30/2013 11:04AM

    I like fairies, too. emoticon I consider myself a traditionalist with a touch of whimsey. I'm also much older than you are and I've had a lot of life experience, though never suffered thru chronic pain as you are suffering. I would imagine that feeling trapped and frustrated would lend itself to depression. I see that you like to like to cook, a self-described foodie, and you also would like to be contributing to others. Have you ever thought of starting a cooking blog wherein you develop and share healthy delicious recipes? Perhaps other SParks could write in to ask for help and you could create something and help them out.

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JOHNTJ1 1/30/2013 9:07AM

    In many ways I've been where you are at and I understand everything you are saying.

However by sharing your feelings and thoughts you are making a difference in this world. We often over look that in ourselves.

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OOLALA53 1/29/2013 11:46PM

    Be proud you are doing your dishes. I have had a sinkful of them for over a week.

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ATTACKFATCAT 1/29/2013 5:08PM

    Sorry for the length of this:

Please, please, please know that while it seems impossible and you feel defeated, you CAN get out of this hole and things can change.

It took me almost 30 years and hitting rock bottom in a second marriage to finally start making changes in my life. While my immediate family did not treat me badly, they still made me feel like only way I could be loved was to make perfect grades and do everything the way they wanted me to. I suffered through years of sexual abuse by an aunt. I ended up in one marriage to please my parents and the second one in an act of rebellion. The second (now ex) husband was a bully who put me through years of verbal abuse. I was with him because I felt that was what I deserved. I deserved to be miserable because I felt like a monster who just disappointed everyone. I have all kinds of notebooks filled with poems, journals, etc. where I was on the verge of suicide because I was so miserable. I felt worthless, undeserving, and was deeply depressed. I barely had the energy to get up and clean the litterboxes. I would sleep 16 hours a day if I wasn't working. I lost both my appendix and gallbladder in a year due to my declining health and I put on over 70 pounds in my second marriage. It was, simply put, hell.

I finally managed to find a counselor who would work with a payment plan even though I couldn't really afford her. After about 3 months of us fighting over whether or not the abuse and my family had an impact on my life, my grandfather died. She suggested I write him a letter to help me heal. I did so, and it made such a big difference that I finally trusted what she had to say and gave in.

You feel undeserving and worthless (I read your previous blog as well) because of what was programmed into you growing up. You had a family that didn't treat you like a loved child and who didn't respect you as a person (and still don't). It was a toxic situation. Because you were programmed to think of yourself as unlovable, you moved on to abusive relationships because that's what you KNEW. While we hate the cycle of depression and destructive relationships, it's what we know. It's our security blanket. We don't know how else to be.

You have no energy to do anything else. Yet you hate not being able to do anything else. You get depressed, sick, and even more fatigued. The cycle continues.

You can break the cycle though. Please have hope. It took me two years of weekly therapy sessions, tons of journaling, books on setting boundaries (I'm a perfectionist and a people pleaser) and insecurity and self-worth to get to the point that I felt I could start living my life. It took another year, another divorce and reprogramming my brain and my thoughts to finally be able to start losing weight, becoming independent, and loving myself for me. I'm not saying I'm "cured." I still have issues with insecurity and confidence. I stress eat. I still have issues with depression. But I know it has gotten better and will continue to as long as I use the tools I have.

Keep trying new doctors if you can or fight back with the ones you have. They should NOT be focusing solely on your weight as your #1 problem for all other symptoms. That's hogwash. Also, please please please find a counselor or therapist if you can and talk to them about this. There are a lot of affordable options out there and they may have doctor recommendations as well.

Just don't beat up on yourself too much. You are in a place where it's all you can do to survive. And that's OK. You do what you need to do to get through the day. Focus on what you need to do each day and try to do a little more when you can and be proud of the little steps you take. Just don't give up.

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JUST2OFUS 1/29/2013 4:00PM

    I know where you are coming from... I had Polio as a child and now have Post Polio Syndrome, which is like having Polio all over again. I am limited in what I can and cannot do. I took me 15 years to stop feeling sorry for myself and feeling like I was a slacker. YOU ARE NOT A SLACKER. Please do this for yourself.... each and every day think about 1 thing you are greatful for being able to do. I know this is a small thing. Some days I am greatful that I can dust my livingroom. NOT a big thing, but there are days when this is not possible! OR be greatful YOU CAN scoop kitty litter, someone else may not be able to bend over to do this. Take baby steps.

Now on our doctors..... If they cannot see the forest through the tress...REPLACE them, they are not the ones you want working on your issue.

Be kind to your self every day, thank your self for doing 1 thing and doing it well.

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ANDI571 1/29/2013 1:57PM

    I have been a stay at home mom for 35 years. During that time, I not only took care of my daughter, but my parents, helped with my husbands parents, and any other family member that came along. The parents are gone now, my daughter is on her own, and now I hear you loud and strong on putting up one more dish, or dusting one more table. I actually had a good cry over it the other day. Problem is, I am now 55, and I have those aches and pains, and fatique compared to years ago, and the thought of working out of the home scares me to death. I feel for you, and am glad you got the chance to vent. Keep pushing and know someone hears your voice.

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CYND59 1/29/2013 1:23PM

    Do not look down on yourself. Take it one day at a time. There is support right here on Sparkpeople. Wishing you the best!

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4DOGNIGHT 1/29/2013 1:21PM

    I know where you are coming from and I'm glad you had a chance to vent. We need that sometimes. I'm not in your situation with pain and fatigue but I'm just recovering from that nasty bug and tired enough not to want to do anything. Can't imagine how I'd cope with an illness that kept me tired and in pain. Hang in there, we all get depressed, and mke sure you come here and ask for help. emoticon

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