Tuesday, January 29, 2013
January has been a crazy month for me. I started out by getting very sick with the horrendous flu that is sweeping the country. That knocked me out for almost 3 weeks. I'm just now starting to ease back into my old routines, but I'm still sluggish. I missed New Years, my 30th birthday and fell behind on my dissertation work.
In the first week of the flu, I had no appetite, and ate about one can of soup a day. I lost five pounds. Although this helped my weight loss journey, this is never how I want to lose weight. On top of that, I've skimped on my workout routine due to being sick. I haven't been counting calories.
But now I'm back. My flu has faded, deadlines are approaching and it is time to get life back on track. It's always been difficult for me to recuperate after a blow (whether physical-getting sick, or emotional-the dread of deadlines), but I'm working on this.
Again, I am not happy with how I had my most recent weight drop, but I have experienced some benefits. I now fit into the gorgeous bridesmaid dress I get to wear for a good friend's wedding at the end of March. I am now on track with my weight loss goals and, in fact, have to try to maintain my weight for the next few weeks so that said dress still fits for the wedding! I'm halfway through my weight-loss journey (but just starting my health journey), and for the first time in over a year my BMI is in the normal range. A few very good accomplishments.
Over the next few weeks I want to focus on getting back on track. I hope to be kind to myself, because I know this won't be easy. Starting a new and different project has always be easy for me, it's the maintenance that always gets me in the end. I also want to look at the barriers that get in my way. I know that the flu can't be avoided, but what could I have done in those weeks to stay more on track, rather than completely derailing and ignoring my health and school goals? What can I do in the future to anticipate other derailments, or to hop back on when the inevitable bumps of life get in the way? I am my own worst enemy. It is not ignorance, lack of motivation, or lack of ability that stops me from succeeding. It is my need to be perfect and please others. If I don't complete something at absolute perfection, or if I feel I haven't lived up to the impossible standards I imagine others to have for me, I feel crushed and defeated. I feel worthless and undeserving of success and happiness. I lose any confidence I had built, along with momentum and my thoughts are occupied with my shame and worthlessness. This is my life struggle-learning to believe in myself. It won't come easy, but I've made strides over my life and will continue working on it. All I can do is be patient with myself and keep moving towards health. That's all we can ever ask of ourselves-do what we can, with what we have.
Good luck to everyone on their own health journeys, I know we all have obstacles!