Tuesday, January 29, 2013
I haven't written in a long time. I gave in and gave up for awhile. It's not an excuse, but I do feel the need to explore my own feelings on some things and writing is the best way for me to do that. The last two months have been turbulent....very turbulent. I wrote last about being sick. When I went to the doctor I had an upper respiratory infection that was going south and was on the verge of pneumonia. I also had a sinus infection. I did have a hard time staying on track, I didn't eat as well as I could have, I drank pop (my greatest nemesis...), and I didn't move off the couch for days.
Then, there were the holidays....and why in the world would I just not continue my poor behaviors until after the holidays were over? It's retarded, but that was my logic....because I'm weak minded at times and I can talk myself into anything if I really really want a piece of pie! So I ate whatever I wanted and drank more pop....and I loved every minute of it. I also got my beautiful diamond ring, that I was able to share with my dad and show off and get my dad's blessing. I was so happy. It meant more to me than I'll ever be able to express to have my dad's blessing on our engagement.
And his blessing means so much because he died on January 4th. It didn't come as a surprise because he'd been diagnosed with terminal liver cancer over a year before that. What was a surprise was how quickly it all happened at the end. He had been fine, except for abdominal swelling, which was pretty extreme. On December 31, he went in to have the excess water retention drained from his abdomen. They drained 4 liters of fluid. FOUR LITERS! I can only guess at how that hurried along his demise, because it did. After that he was pretty much out of it....when he was lucid he really didn't understand what was going on. I THINK that draining that much fluid at a time when he already hadn't been eating or drinking much allowed the huge amount of poisons in his blood stream (from the liver failure) to overwhelm his body...without any fluid to help keep his other organs flushing them out... I am not angry because I had hoped that draining the fluid would help him keep more fluids down (he'd been nauseated alot because of the pressure on his stomach) and I know he'd had the same hope because he didn't like all the vomiting. It didn't work out that way. I'd prayed for God to not let him suffer long, and my prayers were answered because Daddy went to Heaven just a few days later. It's only been a few weeks....It's still raw, and it still hurts like hell to know that my big, strong, superman Dad, the one who always had the right words, the right motivation, and a heart full of love, is gone. My dad raised my sister and I....he was the one who was there to teach us and guide us and help us out when life got tough. He's gone too soon, that's for sure, but I know where he went. I know I'll see him again. I know he's happy and not in pain, and that makes me happy. I'm still grieving, but it's selfish grief....the sadness that I can't have him with me, can't call him.
I really let myself go at that point. I ate everything.....and I do mean everything. We lived on fast food and soda for days straight. Desserts, girls scout cookies, fried foods....everything that I could think to crave I made an excuse to eat. There was a good deal of emotional eating. Some of it wasn't emotional, some of it was just that I didn't care about a diet right in that moment and I was going to eat what I wanted because it tasted good. I can confess to that much.
What I can take from this is....my dad was 53 years old when he died. He was not unhealthy. He got chunky a few times, but never really got overweight, not like I am. I want to live longer than that. I don't want my children to go through losing a parent at such a young age. I don't have a disease that will presumably cause me any problems that would cause me to die so young, but I am overweight, I am obese....and THAT can kill me. I'm vowing to take back my health, not only for myself, but for my family. I want to live to see 80. I want to meet my great-grandchildren. I want to drive a flying car, dammit! (They did promise we'd have them by the year 2000....someone dropped the ball on that one, huh?) I can't control how long I live, but I can give my body, my heart, and my mind the best chance possible by getting healthy. The first step is to lose weight, and to be active.
I put in my weight today, and I did gain back most of what I had lost. That's okay. I decided to not change my goal line. I've got some catching up to do to get back to the goal line because the last few weeks of gaining have put me behind. I'm committed to catching up! It's time to rebuild this lifestyle change!