Tuesday, January 29, 2013
I have been watching Biggest Loser (season 14) (over and over! lol)
Yesterday morning I watched (ep4) Jillian go to Sunny's home and have a chat to her, she encouraged her to try new things and to chat to her mum about the pressure to be a doctor.. (She's 16 yo). And something she said about... Not being who she really was, sat with me.. Then I watched an earlier episode (ep2) And she said... "I feel like people judge me for my weight and not the person I really am" And suddenly it clicked for me..
She was overweight so she could use it as a wall/excuse to not have to be the person she really is... Because if she didn't have that, She'd have to blame her parents for being controlling. And a child can not afford the luxury of disagreeing with their caretaker. Or in other words, It wasn't SAFE to be the person she really wanted, nor was it safe to fight for it or express it.
So the TRUTH of what she was saying (I think) was:
"I keep the weight on, to keep me safe from the fear of being (or living up to) the person I really am" or "I need the weight, it keeps me safe from doing something that scares me"
Which makes a lot of sense!
It's almost like being overweight speaks for us as a sign on our body and says. "I'm not good enough" and we expect people to think that of us, to justify some other painful schema in our minds.. .. Yeah?!
I can't imagine living in America where 80 percent are overweight.. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? That would give one even LESS "evidence" that one is not good enough, cos everyone's in the same boat!! (The FOOD isn't good enough btw people, you are all awesome)
For me... I chose to be overweight, cos I couldn't cope with being hit on at highschool. I am STILL getting hit on and I STILL hate it. In fact I could even almost say, I still don't know how to cope with it. It bothers me I still attract it. But I suspect low self esteem is the critical factor.
For me at age 15, It wasn't "safe" to be the center of attention and attraction. If I were again I bet it wouldn't feel good lol.
But I think now a days.. it's more about what Sunny said... not being able to live up to who we really are, cos of some sort of fear and using the weight as an excuse.
Or as Jillian says.. "it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you"
Jillian also said "The only real failure in life is to disengage"
To which I say.. Be brave, make change and engage. :)
We are change makers.
And I love when Cate said. . "I wanna see what I'm made of"
I discussed this briefly with my therapist.. and she said..
I always have "will" in me and sometimes our will is in safety, (fear) and sometimes it's in success and taking risk and making changes... And that I have both and they contend with one another.
Success V Safety.
Both are valid.... both are needs. :)