How I will feel and forgiveness...
Monday, January 28, 2013
So, this weekend I have spent time being a little introspective for this challenge. One question is: how will your life change when you reach your weight loss goals - and the other: forgive yourself for one thing in your past.
Well, thinking about how my life will change, compared to what my life is like right now, I can see many ways that things will be different. No fear - that is one thing I think will be significantly different. Fear of failure, fear of how I look, fear of not being able to do something - that should not be a part of my life then. Not that it should be now, but I often find myself worried or afraid, and it is mainly attributable to my weight. It is complete insanity that I would continue to live this way! I can also see that buying and maintaining clothing will be easier than it is now. I also envision a very active life - even more so than it is now!
The other half of this question asks, 'how will you feel'? I really have a hard time envisioning myself at the end of this road. I feel like I have started and stopped so many times, that I may never be able to get to the end. (I know that is not true - but it sure FEELS that way sometimes!!!) I worry that my priorities sometimes are not in the right place....like sometimes I want to do it just because someone else I know (and would LOVE to 'show up') is heavy, and I would be thin. (Yes, school age attitude...I know....) Sometimes it is plain vanity - I want to look hot. I want to have that confidence about NOT thinking about what I look like. There are other things too - like health reasons. I have dealt with *some* health problems....and at 34 I am ashamed to even admit that. The killer thing is, that was never my 'rock bottom', because I STILL keep coming back and 'starting over'. UGH! Okay - all of that to say....I have NO IDEA how I will feel. I am sure that I will feel immensely proud of myself for being able to do it. Probably also scared to death that I could return there again!
Now the other piece to this was forgive yourself one thing. The funny thing about this is, I am generally able to forgive myself of things. I used to get SO wrapped up in feeling like I was doing the wrong thing, and I was disappointing people, and that each and every 'wrong' thing I did was the WORST thing ever. It took me a LONG time, a lonely stretch of road, and some wise people in my life to make me realize that people do not live my life. They have not been in my shoes, and therefore cannot judge the decisions I have made. Also - every single thing in my past (from right to wrong and everything in between) has made me into the person I am today. While there are a few blemishes in my past that I am not proud of, I am not ashamed of any of them. They needed to happen for a reason, and I have accepted that. I know - from needing to extend forgiveness to others in my life - that I need to NOT hold on to forgiveness....because by not forgiving, I am ONLY hurting myself by holding back. It is very liberating to offer forgiveness (to yourself or to others). Sometimes you have to do it many times, because old hurts and memories do not go away, but it is all a part of the process.
Anyway, I'm not sure if I even answered the original questions in the way they are 'supposed' to be answered - but all these thoughts were rumbling through my head this weekend, and this is what it looks like spit out on paper. :-)