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How I will feel and forgiveness...

Monday, January 28, 2013

So, this weekend I have spent time being a little introspective for this challenge. One question is: how will your life change when you reach your weight loss goals - and the other: forgive yourself for one thing in your past.

Well, thinking about how my life will change, compared to what my life is like right now, I can see many ways that things will be different. No fear - that is one thing I think will be significantly different. Fear of failure, fear of how I look, fear of not being able to do something - that should not be a part of my life then. Not that it should be now, but I often find myself worried or afraid, and it is mainly attributable to my weight. It is complete insanity that I would continue to live this way! I can also see that buying and maintaining clothing will be easier than it is now. I also envision a very active life - even more so than it is now!

The other half of this question asks, 'how will you feel'? I really have a hard time envisioning myself at the end of this road. I feel like I have started and stopped so many times, that I may never be able to get to the end. (I know that is not true - but it sure FEELS that way sometimes!!!) I worry that my priorities sometimes are not in the right sometimes I want to do it just because someone else I know (and would LOVE to 'show up') is heavy, and I would be thin. (Yes, school age attitude...I know....) Sometimes it is plain vanity - I want to look hot. I want to have that confidence about NOT thinking about what I look like. There are other things too - like health reasons. I have dealt with *some* health problems....and at 34 I am ashamed to even admit that. The killer thing is, that was never my 'rock bottom', because I STILL keep coming back and 'starting over'. UGH! Okay - all of that to say....I have NO IDEA how I will feel. I am sure that I will feel immensely proud of myself for being able to do it. Probably also scared to death that I could return there again!

Now the other piece to this was forgive yourself one thing. The funny thing about this is, I am generally able to forgive myself of things. I used to get SO wrapped up in feeling like I was doing the wrong thing, and I was disappointing people, and that each and every 'wrong' thing I did was the WORST thing ever. It took me a LONG time, a lonely stretch of road, and some wise people in my life to make me realize that people do not live my life. They have not been in my shoes, and therefore cannot judge the decisions I have made. Also - every single thing in my past (from right to wrong and everything in between) has made me into the person I am today. While there are a few blemishes in my past that I am not proud of, I am not ashamed of any of them. They needed to happen for a reason, and I have accepted that. I know - from needing to extend forgiveness to others in my life - that I need to NOT hold on to forgiveness....because by not forgiving, I am ONLY hurting myself by holding back. It is very liberating to offer forgiveness (to yourself or to others). Sometimes you have to do it many times, because old hurts and memories do not go away, but it is all a part of the process.

Anyway, I'm not sure if I even answered the original questions in the way they are 'supposed' to be answered - but all these thoughts were rumbling through my head this weekend, and this is what it looks like spit out on paper. :-)

~ Christa
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    What a fantastic blog. I get the fear... Thanks for opening up and sharing. Here's to being confident and carefree! Hmmm, maybe that should become a mantra for me.... LOL I'm glad you are a Groovy Gecko! Let's do this together!

    1752 days ago
    Great blog.

    I remember Susan Powter, many years ago, who said that the reason that she wanted to lose weight was to look hotter than the very young lady that was going out with her ex-husband. It worked. Her ex even asked her to go out with him. She refuses, but what a reward!!!

    She also said that vanity is a really good reason to lose weight (or something like that). Any reason is good if it motivates us!

    I can relate to your fears too.

    I wish that your bad memories be healed so when you think of them again in the future, they will not hurt you anymore.

    Take care.

    1754 days ago

    Comment edited on: 1/29/2013 8:21:57 PM
    I do believe you answered the questions in the way Christa needed to answer them. Again these journeys are our own! I have to agree with you on the Fear part! I have the same fears too.

    emoticon Keep using the tool that works best for you whether it's SP or family support! Have a great day!
    1755 days ago
    I appreciate your honesty. I think anyone who says s/he isn't trying to lose weight at least in part to look better is others or to themselves. Certainly, it's often not the main motivation, but it is there all the same.

    You're attitude about mistakes and forgiveness is spot on. I, too, would not change anything as it has all led me to the here and now. But sometimes forgiveness is hard to come by. Beautifully expressed.
    1755 days ago
  • COOKIE_AT_51
    emoticon back at you ... hoping you are feeling "lighter" by letting these feelings out. Keep sparkin' emoticon
    1755 days ago
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