Monday, January 28, 2013
In 2011, I was about the weight that I'm at now. I was so close to losing 100 pounds, and you'd think that I'd be even more excited and motivated to keep going. Aside from some crazy stuff happening, I managed to subtly slow my weight loss to a complete halt-and even gained about 35 pounds. I managed to maintain that loss, and since last November, I have started losing weight again, and I'm at that point where I was. And now there's a problem:
I'm facing a mental road block. I'm really not sure what to make of it. I don't have insurance to see a counselor anymore, so it looks like I'm going to have to figure this out on my own. I'm just really frustrated because I know that deep down, I want this, but there's just something standing in the way. Unfortunately, that thing-that person, standing in the way is just me. I still want to work out because it really helps with the emotional stuff. I want to keep eating right because I feel like my system is all gummed up when I don't eat right combined with exercise. I just feel so crappy for some reason. I feel that negativity rearing it's ugly head again. The good thing is this time I'm not eating as a response. I'm not quitting as a response. I know that even if I don't think I want it that bad right now, I'll thank myself in the future. Literally, the only thing keeping me going is habit.
I guess I'm really just afraid. I'm afraid of the person I'm becoming. I know it's not a BAD person I'm becoming, but I'm doing it again. I'm freaking out. I need to figure out why I feel this way. I thought I loved myself and was ready to get this taken care of, it was only going to be a matter of consistency and patience, and I'd be at my goal weight in no time. There's still more to this though. I'm sure I'm not the only one that does this either. Especially after being overweight for as long as I have been. It's still an adjustment and it's frustrating to not be able to just thank myself for getting as far as I have, and keep going.
Believe it or not, I woke up one morning, and actually missed my 330 pound body. That's crazy! In all honesty, if I seriously woke up 330 pounds again, I'd cry! I guess the more weight I lose, the more exposed I feel. It does make sense considering that over the years, the weight I gained acted as kind of a cover, or safety blanket for me.
I'm so tired of being afraid! I'm tired of wondering what I'm going to feel like, what I'm going to look like, when I reach my goal weight. Instead of wondering, I should just do it. I'm so sick of this! I'm just pissed at myself, and I'm pissed that it's taken so long to get to where I am. I'm upset because I even let myself get to this point in the first place. I really only have about 63 pounds to lose. I've already lost more weight than I have left to lose. So why is this so difficult? I guess the final stretch really is a stretch.
I hate that my favorite part of the day is going to bed. That's when I have the safety and warmth of my bed with the security and love of my fiance.
Thankfully, I don't have class until noon tomorrow. I'm still going to make an effort to wake up early so I can maybe spend a little extra time at the gym. I really do want this. I'm just going to have to push through this emotional road block. I hate it, and I want to give up, but I know that if I do, I'll regret it in the long run.
I'll get through this.