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Not sure why I feel this way, and why I felt this way before


Monday, January 28, 2013

In 2011, I was about the weight that I'm at now. I was so close to losing 100 pounds, and you'd think that I'd be even more excited and motivated to keep going. Aside from some crazy stuff happening, I managed to subtly slow my weight loss to a complete halt-and even gained about 35 pounds. I managed to maintain that loss, and since last November, I have started losing weight again, and I'm at that point where I was. And now there's a problem:

I'm facing a mental road block. I'm really not sure what to make of it. I don't have insurance to see a counselor anymore, so it looks like I'm going to have to figure this out on my own. I'm just really frustrated because I know that deep down, I want this, but there's just something standing in the way. Unfortunately, that thing-that person, standing in the way is just me. I still want to work out because it really helps with the emotional stuff. I want to keep eating right because I feel like my system is all gummed up when I don't eat right combined with exercise. I just feel so crappy for some reason. I feel that negativity rearing it's ugly head again. The good thing is this time I'm not eating as a response. I'm not quitting as a response. I know that even if I don't think I want it that bad right now, I'll thank myself in the future. Literally, the only thing keeping me going is habit.

I guess I'm really just afraid. I'm afraid of the person I'm becoming. I know it's not a BAD person I'm becoming, but I'm doing it again. I'm freaking out. I need to figure out why I feel this way. I thought I loved myself and was ready to get this taken care of, it was only going to be a matter of consistency and patience, and I'd be at my goal weight in no time. There's still more to this though. I'm sure I'm not the only one that does this either. Especially after being overweight for as long as I have been. It's still an adjustment and it's frustrating to not be able to just thank myself for getting as far as I have, and keep going.
Believe it or not, I woke up one morning, and actually missed my 330 pound body. That's crazy! In all honesty, if I seriously woke up 330 pounds again, I'd cry! I guess the more weight I lose, the more exposed I feel. It does make sense considering that over the years, the weight I gained acted as kind of a cover, or safety blanket for me.

I'm so tired of being afraid! I'm tired of wondering what I'm going to feel like, what I'm going to look like, when I reach my goal weight. Instead of wondering, I should just do it. I'm so sick of this! I'm just pissed at myself, and I'm pissed that it's taken so long to get to where I am. I'm upset because I even let myself get to this point in the first place. I really only have about 63 pounds to lose. I've already lost more weight than I have left to lose. So why is this so difficult? I guess the final stretch really is a stretch.
I hate that my favorite part of the day is going to bed. That's when I have the safety and warmth of my bed with the security and love of my fiance.

Thankfully, I don't have class until noon tomorrow. I'm still going to make an effort to wake up early so I can maybe spend a little extra time at the gym. I really do want this. I'm just going to have to push through this emotional road block. I hate it, and I want to give up, but I know that if I do, I'll regret it in the long run.

I'll get through this.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

RUNNERRACHEL 1/29/2013 9:12PM

    I understand the feeling of feeling exposed. It's true that as you lose weight you have less covering, more exposure. It really is a feeling of security. And if you have to get throughout the day to feel secure at night, right now that's ok. Just keep going as you are, slowly it will become easier.

I only have this advice: keep doing the things that make you feel good--you feel gummed up if you don't eat right and exercise. Keep doing that, and work on the emotional stuff slowly.

Do you have free counseling at school, low cost services?...if not, keep working on your own.


You will get through this. Keep moving forward.


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ASHPATCH11 1/29/2013 6:29PM

    just keep pushing and do what you have been doing! Sign up for somthign to give urself a new goal to focus on!! you can do it!

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ACYCLINGMIND 1/29/2013 1:20PM

    Just. Keep. Swimming. Or keep on keeping on and other motivational sentences. Something I think about often is "I'm just going to die anyway" which sounds gloomy and depressing but, for me, it's really motivating. I'm going to die no matter what so I may as well make the best of the time I have left here. Feeling healthy and looking good seems like a much better way to get through life than sluggish and afraid to go rock climbing because you lack strength... ya know what I mean?

I think everyone has some emotional issue around eating. If I didn't tell you already I lost 70 pounds and then skyrocketed 40+ pounds. Why? Maybe a therapist could figure that out. I can't get to one of those, either.

I'd be up for a skype date if you want to compare stories. Talking can be as good as therapy.

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DIANE7786 1/29/2013 12:54AM

    Plenty of books explain how to lose weight but I havenít found one that explains the strange emotions after losing weight. I met my weight goal in 2003. Accomplishing that goal was exciting but often I had a feeling that something wasnít right. It was unsettling because it didnít happen every day and was always unexpected. It took me a while to realize that odd feeling usually happened just as I was falling asleep, waking up, or distracted. Iím not an expert but I think the brain needs time to catch up with drastic body changes. As much as I didnít like my old body, it was comfortable because it was me. It took a long time to mentally feel comfortable with my new body.
Donít give up on your weight loss goal. I wish Iíd kept a journal of just those weird feelings and thoughts, like waking up missing your 330 lb body. I think your brain was waking up too and it very briefly was confused about what happened to that extra weight. Writing makes the feelings real. Later youíll smile at the memories.


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SASSYTHING52 1/28/2013 11:49PM

    seems i been feeling that way a long time im not sure what we call it

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