After my encouraging appointment with the dietician a few weeks ago, I decided to try her advice (and perhaps push my luck) to see a different dietician who specializes in disordered eating. I didn’t even wig out when I considered the label and called myself a disordered eater. I can claim that. I guess I didn’t put a lot of thought or preparation for this appointment. Maybe I should have thought a little deeper or maybe it was better that I didn’t have time to pre-plan but it was a much tougher appointment than I had bargained for.

I was pleased that I met with another dietician who did not leave me feeling lower than a snake’s belly. She couldn’t have been nicer or more knowledgeable. What I didn’t seem to comprehend going in was that she was going to challenge some of my disordered thinking and leave me feeling vulnerable. She never attacked or was negative about what I have believed or done, but she did dig past my surface answer and try to pick apart the twisted ball of emotions that is attached to some of my habits.

After that appointment, I tried to do what I did when I was first diagnosed with diabetes, go out and eat. It left me feeling really hollow. Then I came home and did more ”I’ll show you” eating: still no satisfaction. Just hollow desperation. I have spent all evening wandering to the kitchen trying to find something that will soothe the mental upset I am in. Nothing works. I can’t even find anything I want to eat. If that isn’t strange enough, I found myself forcing me to eat anything because it was justified or something. I was force-feeding a binge, even though my body said, “Nah, not worth it.” This is a new one for me. Scary.

I know there are a lot of things brewing subconsciously after this appointment, but I have to wait a bit to figure out what they are. I needed to talk this over with someone, and my Sparkfriends were the first people I wanted to talk to. I am sort of in a numb state right now: like I was sideswiped and haven’t come out of the shock yet. I am hopeful in the days and weeks to come I can start to figure it out. Although it is leaving me feel a bit off balance tonight, I have to believe that this will help me on my journey to lose weight and live healthier once and for all.

Any thoughts?