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    MORRIGHAN   2,618
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Slow and Steady - Getting Personal


Monday, January 28, 2013

At weigh-in yesterday, I saw a loss of a half pound. I believe that makes it three since I joined the challenge in the MB members team, where we're going to lose five pounds before Valentine's Day. Two weeks, two pounds to go!

Today I changed my official goal here at Spark. Originally, when I tried coming back last spring, I'd set my goal a little unrealistically, I think. I wanted to get to my goal weight by October 31st of this year. Because I am taking it slow this time, and because I have so much to lose, I've reconsidered. I've given myself another year to reach my goal. By October 31st of 2014 - I want to be at goal weight.

Nice and slow.

The last time I had any major weight loss, I'd done 100 pounds in just under a year. I looked great, I felt great - and two years later I was thrown into a situation that was unbearable, and one most women would simply walk away from. At the time, it was the only way I could keep a roof over our heads and food in my kids. So, for six months I sat in a 15 foot by 15 foot room with the woman who had destroyed my marriage, put my daughters in harms way, and taunted me daily with the fact my ex lavished her kids while pretty much completely ignoring his own. Was it the truth? Not so much, but at the time, I didn't know that. All I saw was the two of them living happy family while my daughters were miserable. We never knew if they'd be picked up for their visitation weekends, or not. I never knew if once he had them, he'd bring them back - or not. That was the tease, for a long time. I've since found out that a lot of it was her. She ENJOYS this kind of thing.

In that six months, I gained 50 pounds back. I became so anxiety-riddled that getting out the door every day to go to work became a struggle with panic attacks and self-doubt. No one saw it there, because once I was at the course, I was fine. I'd had an hour of driving to build myself up. She had the day to tear me down. When all was said and done, the course, and the follow-up fundraising and eight-week job - I'd gained it all back. And then some.

Add the anxiety and panic attacks to 120 pounds of extra me, and you have today. There's a little less of the anxiety, I'm re-learning all kinds of ways to deal with everyday things. If someone were to ask me to attend a convention now? Okay, that has happened in the past couple of years. Friends want to meet up with me at some convention or other and although I desperately want to go, and even when finances permitted... I just can't face the thought of more than ten people at a time. Still, slow and steady and someday, maybe I can be all of me again. Without, you know - all of me. ;)

Nice and slow. I've learned my lesson in doing things the fast way. The only way is to re-learn and change behaviours. And that takes time.

emoticon everyone - have a great week!
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PRAIRIECROCUS 1/31/2013 4:16PM

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CAKAROO 1/31/2013 6:16AM

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CANYASMOM 1/29/2013 11:41AM

    Sounds like you have a good plan in place for the goals you want to achiever. emoticon I'm cheering for you!

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KIMBERLY19732 1/28/2013 7:49PM

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