Monday, January 28, 2013
My first writing assignment for the new challenge is to blog about something in the past that I forgive myself for. This was a bit of a toughie, since I'm the type of person who tries to live without regrets. So it took me most of 2 days to decide what to forgive myself for. But once I got an idea, I realized how big it was, and how much it will change my attitude towards myself. So...
I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR LETTING ME GET AS FAT AND AS OUT OF SHAPE AS I DID.
I topped out at 247 pounds. I know it's not like those people on The Biggest Loser reality show, who can sometimes be over 400 pounds. But at only 5'3", it's a lot of weight to carry around. It started when I got married very young, after living with a very controlling father. Hubby and I were Yuppies, 2 incomes, no kids, no restrictions. We saw all the movies, tried all the restaurants, and weekends were made for fun. We didn't put any limitations on ourselves, especially when it came to food. After almost a decade of marriage, along came two kids. Soon I quit my job, quit what little exercise I did do, and threw my social life out the back door. I had a lot of days where food was my best friend. Over the next 20 years, I gained up to a size 24.
I've been with SP for just over a year now, and have lost more than 30#. I've learned to eat better, to say no to myself, to exercise in spite of my 'old lady' aches and pains. But one thing I've never done is to accept/forgive my 'devil may care' attitude of 30 years ago. Of course, if I knew then what I know now, I wouldn't have let it get that far. I would have realized that taking off the weight is much harder than putting it on; I would have known that some of the health issues I now face, like bad knees, is because I was so heavy for so long; I would have set a better example for my boys, both of whom deal with excess weight.
But as Oprah says: if you know better, you can do better. And one of the first steps in knowing better is knowing you can't change the past. It is what it is. So from this day, I will be more forgiving of my old, out-of-shape self. I will quiet that little voice inside me that rues the day I first tasted chocolate. I will remind myself that with age, comes wisdom. I will stop the 'should've ~ could've ~ would've' obsessing.
Note to me: you're forgiven! (I'd like to end with: now go forth and sin no more, but as I said, with age comes widsom, and I'm not going to set myself up for that kind of failure!)